How To Have Better Sex
One of the most common reasons people seek my services are because they are struggling. In their sex lives.
In their relationships.
Or in their connection to their own bodies and pleasure.
Some time ago, I got a DM on Instagram that said:
“I saw your post about making sex great and I realized, that even though I love my partner, I have never experienced ‘great’ sex. I mean, how do I even know when it’s great? Like, what happens?”
Responding to a question like "how you do explain great sex?" is complicated, but what I can say for sure is that great sex is not about what you do (although it helps), it’s about what you bring to the moment. And this is really where so many people struggle.
In so many areas of life we lack awareness of ourselves. In other words, we are simply just not present.
But, according to research, what distinguishes so-so sex from great sex and even mind-blowing sex – is presence. The ability of you and your partner/s, to bring attention to the moment between you.
Have you ever experienced sex where you felt that you and your partner/s were really truly in that moment - together?
As if time and space ceased to exist for a moment and it was just you and the shared moment between you? The bliss, the ecstasy, the freedom and even the overwhelm – perhaps all at the same time?
Or, do you often find yourself feeling lonely and disconnected during sex; solo or partnered?
Or perhaps you’re one of these people who wonder why other people say sex is so great – it’s never been so great for you! What are you missing out on?
When we think about presence, we usually think meditation.
Sitting on a cushion for hours. Perhaps we think about hippies. Or Buddhists.
When we think about sex, we usually think of couples in love. Couples with amazing 'shit -together' lives.
We don’t think about single people masturbating. We usually don’t think about busy, urban people living fast-paced busy, urban lives. Yet these are the people who most long for magnificent sex. These are the people who too, long for transcendent moments from the every day. A relief from stress. A moment to escape routine. To connect with themselves. Or with each other. We don’t think about presence as something we can practice while walking the dog, scooping poop, cutting sandwiches or doing the dishes. And yet, in these moments, is where we can learn to have really great sex.
Let me explain…
It’s really hard, like almost impossible, to learn how to be truly present during sex if you never or rarely practice presence when your clothes are on!
And so much of this matters in how we prepare ourselves for pleasure and relaxation – which is why vacation sex is so much more tantalizing – because we are more likely to be present and open.
But we can’t go on vacation every week, so instead, let’s pretend we are having vacation sex at home and I'll offer you....
10 ways to be more present during sex.
1. Set the Scene
If you don’t want to get distracted during sex, do your best to reduce distractions beforehand!
Clear the clutter out of your room. Make your bed. Light a candle or two (watch the flames; electronic / battery operated candles are safer. Lock the door. Put on music.
Feeling safe and secure from disruption is crucial to reducing distraction.
Such tiny changes make a huge difference in the moment.
2. Set an Intention
Take a moment connect with yourself and your body. Remember that you’d actually like to be present with yourself and your partner/s. If you’re struggling to feel it, remind yourself of why this matters and why it’s important to create more presence in your sex life. Try this alone or out loud with your partner/s
3: Mix It Up
Our minds drift when we are on autopilot. Engage in sex in different rooms. Different locations. With different toys. Even different people if you’re so inclined. Try a new activity. A new perspective.
Changing the physical on the outside, creates a shift on the inside.
4: Slow TF Down Presence takes time.
Leaving sex to the last thing at the end of a busy day is not ideal. Take your time. Bad sex more frequently is not better than good sex less often. Learn to savor and cherish each moment. Learn this when you are doing your daily activities – then apply it in the bedroom too. It’s so important not to rush yourself. If you go into sex feeling relaxed, you’re much more likely to stay present.
5: Relish Your Desire
If you are not enjoying the sex you’re having, doing it more often and the same way isn’t going to change shit. Stop having sex you don’t enjoy. Really! It makes things worse.
It’s so important for you to honor your body and discover how it works. Most of us do not know how pleasure even works in our bodies, so take a moment to learn.
Think you know sex is just about making babies and having orgasms – think again. Learn to explore pleasure and the body – like it matters.
6: Sensation Matters
Research shows that bringing the quality of presence to sex is the Number One way to make sex feel really good. During the day check in with your body. What do you notice as you are walking the dog, or driving to work? During sex (solo or partnered) take a moment to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Check in with every part of your body. Check in with each of your senses. What can you see, hear, smell, feel or taste right now as you are reading this?
This is a great way to bring yourself back to your body if you are feeling distracted during sex.
7. Lower your expectations when you lower your pants
Oh yes! In a culture of “You’re Worth It” “I Deserve The Best” etc – lowering your expectations seems ludicrous, right?
Most of us expect that great sex comes naturally and that if you haven’t been able to create it, it’s because there’s something fundamentally wrong with you – or maybe with your partner/s.
Our minds are accustomed to being hyper aroused day in and day out. The minute you drop your pants, you expect that heaven will descend upon you and make your sex life fabulous, just like magic?
Not a chance.
Presence takes practice. This is not about blanking out your mind, but instead about concentrating on what’s working, not what’s not working and all the ways you can beat yourself up.
Do not expect that you’re going to bring monk-like presence to your sex life 100% of the time if the majority of your day is spent frantic and distracted. Give yourself a break from the pressure and allow yourself to practice presence g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y.
8: Forget Orgasms
Even though I have a whole class on the power and majesty of orgasm, I gotta tell you, sometimes the quest for orgasm is a distraction from actually having one. And partners who insist you have an orgasm to make them feel validated as great lovers… step aside – that’s not how being an amazing lover happens. In fact, insisting your lover ‘come for you’ is pressure in the extreme and the opposite of great sex. Stop that!(Unless consensually pre-negotiated as part of your turn on - then go-for-it)
When we become overly fixated on orgasm, it takes all of the joy and pleasure out of the current moment. The truth is that pleasure, real embodied exquisite pleasure lasts for hours, while an orgasm, while delightful for some and meh for others, lasts 3,4 5 seconds... 20 seconds, maximum. Put your energy where it needs to be.
9. Talk About Sex
Talking about sex matters. I am a big fan of talking about s3x when you are not in the middle of it. I am a big fan of talking about s3x with anyone and everyone to normalize it. I am a big fan of talking about sex like it matters. I am a big fan of finding words and language to talk about our bodies and pleasure. All this can happen when you are not having sex. All this can happen if you are single or partnered. All I this is necessary to have great sex all the time. Practice talking about sex like it matters. Then add on by talking about sex during it. It’s not distracting. It’s enhancing.
Breathing. The cornerstone of many meditation practices, can be applied while peeling carrots, checking the mail box or while being fingered. Likely even at the same time (try this at your own risk)
Over the last 10 years there has been a groundswell in literature that affirms breath work is a crucial wellness practice in everything from healing from cancer to BDSM. Focusing on your breath has been proven to soothe your anxiety, help you manage your emotions, connect you to your body, help you relax, and even improve your mood and sleep.
Practice slow, deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. This as a daily practice can also be applied during sex – including fingering.