Help! I'm losing attraction to my partner!
For a lot people in relationships, one thing that comes up often is the fear of what losing attraction to a partner implies. The thought of having to even ‘work’ to get it back feels daunting because so much of what culture teaches us is that love is effortless and "sex is natural".
If you’ve been around the block at least once, you know all that it is LIES but still, somehow, that conditioning seeps in, doesn’t it? It’s as if we just absorb it by osmosis, no matter how much we try to avoid it.
The loss of attraction to a partner happens to many of us, so let’s dig into what we can do about that.
1. Attraction is more than the body alone
While physical attraction and chemistry are things, especially at the start, no matter how hot /gorgeous/tasty someone is, overtime, the rose-colored glasses come off and we are back to basics with the nuts and bolts of attraction – Mental and Emotional.
Both of these are bolstered or corroded by your daily interactions, so if the juice between you has waned a little, think about how you are engaging on these levels.
Do you only communicate about dog-sitters and bills or to complain about what’s not happening at home?
If that’s your daily M.O no wonder you’ve lost that loving feeling. Learn to communicate like you mean it. Learn to set aside time to connect about things other than what’s not happening at home. Let me tell you resentment is rarely a libido booster so addressing these things is top priority to make time for quality time.
2. Create Quality Time
With life returning to ‘normal’ for many of us, you may be relieved to see less of your partner on one hand, but on the other you may also be missing them by seeing less of them. No matter how much time you are or are not together, it’s the quality of it that counts. I can’t tell you how many partners see each other once a week or 20 times a day and still tend to spend more time on their phones than on each other. Lounging on the sofa together is cozy, but does zero for building desire.
Make the time to connect. Screens off and play cards. Have a glass of wine. Go for a stroll. Undivided attention is HOT. You’ll remember why you fell for them all over again. Seriously, is there’s nothing sexier than feeling your partner’s complete undivided attention on YOU?
3.Create Attraction Practices & Games
You know attraction doesn’t just fall from the sky. It takes effort and nothing says I’M HERE FOR IT more than effort.
Attraction Practices are rituals that you share between you to signal you’re there for each other and it matters. Here are a few suggestions:
Date nights, I know they’re a little tired, but they work. But not just lounging at home. Get dressed up, even if you’re staying in. Wear your best undies. A slash of lippy. A shave. A crisp shirt. The old stilettos – (Yes, just for the living room)….Clean off the flogger. You know you want to.
If you’re (still) working from home, create a break between the work day and the end of work by marking it it with some kind of activity. Try going outside for a walk, then “Honey, I’m home” when you get back. Take a shower after work, change your clothes. Find ways to really separate the work day form the home day. This is easier if you don’t live together obviously, but still totally doable. As you move toward the new headspace, imagine yourself in the zone, let yourself feel how you want to feel with your partner and see yourself in your mind’s eye being together with them, having fun. Do not underestimate the power of setting an intention.
Emphasize and encourage the activities you know your partner appreciates around the house. I’m always fond of someone who can change a tire. Sure I can do it myself, but hey, I prefer to watch someone else do it… (even if it doesn’t need to be changed…) play with tasks to create a fun and sexy vibe.
4. The Eyes Have It
When was the last time you really looked at each other? I mean really truly?
For many people, the answer is rarely even though eye contact has been scientifically proven to increase physical attraction.
When you’re unaccustomed, eye contact can be vulnerable-making. It can feel the opposite of sexy, but it will pass. I promise. If staring into each other’s eyes Tantra style feels too intense, practice it while simply chatting about nothing… then work your way up to a session of eye gazing. It can be hotter than kissing once you practice it.
5. Cultivate An Attitude Of Gratitude
Gratitude has also been shown to improve the quality of our relationships.
Far from a hippy fest, gratitude invites us to really reflect on the qualities we appreciate in our lives and helps us lift the “sads” right out of the way. The more you remember why you are with this person in your life, the more likely it is you’re going to feel attracted to them. When I work with couples I often have to remind them that relationships are a choice, not an obligation! So giddy up and remember that you chose each other and you get to choose each other again, each and every day.
6. Touch each other - damn it!
Without a doubt, the biggest struggle among lovers is 1) forgetting to touch and 2) not knowing how to touch. It seem ludicrous but most people don’t know how to touch like they mean it. Not because they are lacking, but simply because they never learnt.
But just like eye contact, more touch, and quality touch has been shown to increase attraction.
Find out how your partner likes to be touched. Don’t assume. Ask them for ways they like to be touched by you and then share yours with them. See what happens.
7. Tell Them What You Like (often)
When was the last time your partner told you that you looked great? When was the last time you told them? Get into the habit of telling your partner you appreciate them for… any thing that you truly appreciate them for. The implication is “But you know I love you” is not enough. Show them that you desire them, appreciate them, love them, with gestures that leave nothing to the imagination.
8. Own It
When you're not feeling 100%, it’s easy for that to leak out onto your partner/s. Feeling less than thrilled with yourself can be a huge contributor to feeling lack-lustre about those around us. When everything inside feels great it’s hard to see the rainbows around us. Feeling down and shabby may mean you need a little overhaul yourself. Maybe mentally, physically or emotionally, allow yourself a little inventory and see what you find there.
9. Find new shared interests
Oh how we love a routine! And Oh how routine is the enemy of great sex. It’s so easy for relationships to settle into routines, inside and outside of the bedroom!
The most surefire way to inject a little spirit back into your relationship is to find new ways to connect together, or at least reignite some of the old ones. With things opening up again in many corners of the work, taking up a class together online or in person could be a great way to get enthusiastic. Join a community garden. Volunteer at a rescue shelter for animals. Find opportunities to see each other the way strangers see them. It’s like a whole new burst of energy into the relationship.
10. Play Detective
To keep attraction burning you need to discover the clues that help you maintain your enthusiasm (and theirs) Keep track of what you discover about yourself and each other over time. Keep a list of what you like and what they like and what attracts and makes connection great between you. The greatest indicator of a great connection in the future is what’s worked in the past so gather data and keep on top of it. Want to keep working on your attraction in the long-term? Be a research scientist, and gather data about what helps you feel attracted to your partner!
Not sure, ask then straight out
- When do you feel most attracted to me?
- When do you feel most loved by me?
- What do I do that makes you most excited by me?
Keep these conversations going to keep your connection on fire.