Asking For What You Want

What’s it like to ask for what you want? I mean to really let yourself be seen in your request?
In sex and relationships, many of us hide behind wishes, implied or ignored, hoping that our needs will be met. We remain silent or drop hints about our desires and longings hoping the other will pick up on it.
Examples of this can include:

• “It’s been a few weeks since we had sex…”
• Moving positions during sex, hoping they ‘get’ it
• Comparing your relationship with others’ and complaining that it’s not as great
• If you loved me you would…

Sometimes instead of saying what we want, we complain instead. Because behind every complaint is an unmet need, a longing, a desire. The truth is that complaining is easy while making a request is vulnerable making.

This is where relationship skills shift and change everything, realizing that our complaints are actually request we’ve yet to articulate or bring into light.
And requesting is vulnerable because it means we have to be open to receiving, and receiving can be tricky.
What happens if we get what we want? What does it mean?
So let’s imagine you make a request (rather than a complaint)

• a specific kind of touch
• to be listened to and validated
• for a gift that is about the thought rather than the price tag
• for help with something

And instead of being ignored, you actually get what you want. Then what?
How do you feel? What comes next may surprise you.
While we may think receiving would make us thrilled, for many of us, it leads to a bigger internal monologue than we started with:
Consider this:

When I get what I have asked for from _______ I respond by:

• Reverting to a complaint – “You only did it because I asked for it”
• Finding it difficult to receive because now I owe you one
• Feeling guilt because they have been inconvenienced at my expense
• Worrying that I will be perceived as needy or demanding or weak

The truth is that receiving what we ask for is way more convoluted than simply opening Santa’s sack and stocking up. We then have to deal with the implications our histories throw to us about our worthiness or whether or not their gesture of giving was real enough.
It’s like you can’t catch a break, right?
Receiving in other words invites us into a place of surrender. The more you lean in, the more you put into it, and the more it might hurt if you lose or get nothing. In many ways making a request is about letting go of control. Not managing the outcome. Surrendering to something outside of yourself.
Perhaps its easier for you to do the giving because surrender and request feel too risky.  If you’ve never known anything except caring in an active role, learning to let someone take care of you is hard, because you literally cannot control how it works out.
But the good news is you can control how you respond to what you’re feeling within.
In this it’s very helpful to let those closest to you that you are  trying this experiment and that you are practicing receiving.
In summary:

1. Name It: What happens to you when you receive? What’s the story you spin to yourself?
2. Feel It: How does it feel? Where do you feel it? How do you know the feelings are there?
3. Respond: When discomfort arises, do you want to escape? Take control? Blame? Complain? How does that help your goals of surrender? What effect does that have on connection?

Giving to someone who struggles to receive equally difficult. Your best efforts are thwarted and it’s hard to get momentum.  If you struggle to receive because you’re so connected to caring, try putting yourself in the shoes of the other. What’s it like to have your efforts rebuked or down-played? If receiving for yourself feels too confronting, receiving for another is a great place to start.
Receiving as a gift of love can be a whole new way to explore the notion of getting what you want while also increasing your emotional intelligence.
Letting yourself be loved is so crucial no matter how you do relationships. Whether single or partnered try this experiment with your nearest and dearest and see how things unfold.
Let me know how you go!