Sex Just Feels Too Difficult!

Dear Cyndi

I have chronic pain and a host of other medical issues that have meant I'm now on disability,  possibly permanently. The medication for it leaves me chronically exhausted but I still crave sex. I  haven't been active for 12 years, and I've had a few offers from women overseas, but even if I could go over there and not end up  with my pension cut, I worry about my lack of performance. I might not be able to have an erection, let alone orgasm. While overseas offers have the advantage of being hypothetical, the fact is my life would be better with someone in it, and I miss sexual  interaction. What can I do to compensate for having a disabled body? Would a woman tolerate that sort of limitation?

Women seem very demanding sexually now, and to an extent I have to admit to finding it all too difficult and wishing I could just have a sexbot! I was reading the other day that on average it took 20 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm, and more with  aging , and I just felt like it was all a bit pointless.

 Should I just give up?

Dave

Dear Dave,

Your situation sounds extremely frustrating on a variety of levels. From your letter it sounds very much like you’re not only craving sex, you’re also craving intimacy and connection; a partnership.

It seems you’re not meeting women locally, or especially the kind of women you might like to meet. You are not alone there. There are many people, abled, and not, of all genders who struggle to find companions for life, sex and intimacy. Our culture is very ‘couple’ oriented, and this can leave those of us ‘un-partnered’ feeling somehow, out of sorts. The truth is, finding a life partner and creating and sustaining a long term relationship requires more than just having an abled body, it’s also about being willing to be vulnerable, compromise, communicate and take initiative when required.

I cannot speak for all women when you ask “Would a woman tolerate that sort of limitation?”, but my hunch is you’re after a woman who will do more than just tolerate you? A partner who is attracted to the other things you offer would certainly be capable of a whole lot more than just ‘tolerating’ you, provided your connection and communication in other areas was fulfilling for the both of you also.

This leads me to encourage you to focus on what you do have to offer rather than just on your short comings. Your fears about performance anxiety, while relevant, are extremely common among both abled and disabled bodies alike. Not everyone is a sex machine all the time! Everyone has days of feeling concerned about their performance, but when this prevents you from actually being able to connect with another person, I would encourage you to seek out the services of a counsellor (either myself; face-to-face, via Skype, or someone in your area) to talk through your anxiety issues and your expectations of yourself and women in relationships.

You admit that you do find it all too difficult and would prefer to have a sexbot. Your sexbot idea is in fact also a solution (and a valid one at that), but I wonder how satisfying that will be for you given your desire for a relationship and a connection. Whether it takes a woman 20 minutes to orgasm or whether at all, ideally would have little bearing on your motivations for sex if you are in fact looking for a genuine connection. There are a huge variety of fabulous sex toys etc on the market these days to enhance women's pleasure, and assist in times of  ''sex fatigue''. I wonder if your ‘pointless’ feeling is more psychological / emotional than physical?

You may also like to consider some of the services offered by the good people at Touching Base to have face-to-face conversations about your concerns regarding your sexuality and your chronic pain management / disabilty.

Cyndi