Why Don't I Have Great Sex?

Dear Cyndi,

I am writing because I have been struggling for many years with my sex life. I have had several sexual experiences (all with men), but most of the time I end up feeling like sex has no meaning or purpose for me. I just can't get into it and when it comes to talking with my girlfriends, I just have to make stuff up because I feel left out. I feel like everyone else is having great sex all the time - and I am just missing out. Is it just me? I just don’t get it.

Carolyn

Dear Carolyn,

It really sounds as if you are at the end of your rope with this and I am glad you contacted me. The good news is you are not alone and what you are experiencing is very common, especially among women. In my practice  a lot of women tell me that sex feels like something that happens to them, rather than for them.  A lot of women just ‘zone out’ during sex without realizing it. No wonder they feel nothing, experience nothing and sex leaves them feeling cold!

The reasons this happens can be complex but in many cases the antidote boils down to just a few simple things; paying attention to your likes and your dislikes and expressing them.

Recent psychological studies suggest that women can get caught up in thoughts that distract them from sex. Men don't experience this too, but statistically women suffer in greater numbers. Much of modern science has debunked the whole 'male brain vs female brain' thing as any reliable measure of gender difference, so we now bring our attention to culture.

In most parts of the world, women are not able to express their sexuality freely. We police ourselves and each other. Not only can it be dangerous to express your sexuality ('she's asking for it' is still considered a reasonable justification for rape in some places,) but it can also mean that your experiences are clipped. When slut and frigid are the only options - sex becomes unappealing.  

Many women experience sex solely as the desired - not the desirer.  We know how to act sexy, but it doesn't mean we feel sexual. It's a performance. It's running around in feather boas and lacy underwear without grounding in what truly connects us to our erotic power has limited effectiveness. No wonder we feel silly if that's the only kind of sexual expression we've been offered and there's nothing more powerful to hook it to. What we want, how we enjoy being touched and having partners who want to give us that is rare for many women. Most of us go into sex fully knowing that we won't have an orgasm and wishing it be over - not because it's painful, but because it’s just empty. This is rarely something men experience or grapple with.

Imagine instead feeling sexually vibrant? Imagine feeling connected to your body? Imagine exploring the sensations within you with joy and not dread.

I have spent almost 2 decades talking to women about sex and I have discovered this truth:

The women who prioritize the worthiness of their sexual pleasure are the ones who get the most out of it. It’s almost as if it’s the antidote to the epidemic of malaise too many women feel about sex and joy.

This is why pink Viagra will never work. This is why waiting for desire to inspire you is literally a waste of time.

Now is the time to make changes to your erotic connection to yourself. What I also know for sure is it doesn’t get better by itself.

Curiosity is fundamental. Seems simple enough - but when was the last time you embraced sex with the curiosity that children use to approach play time? Sex is playtime for grown-ups. It deserves the benefit of open curiosity. If you don’t even know where to start, begin by learning about sex at home. Taking online workshops and classes is an accessible way of starting your journey.

Investigation means having a genuine interest to inquire more deeply into yourself and what turns you on and what drives your desires. With this information under your belt, things seem to change effortlessly. All you need to do it show up.

Courage means being able to step closer to experiencing your erotic potential and minimizing the anxious thoughts that get in the way. It could mean discovering what you like. It could mean telling someone about your feelings. It could mean trying a new approach to sex and pleasure. It could mean spending more time learning about sex.

Struggling with sexuality is normal but it shouldn’t be a life sentence. The truth is you are not alone and it’s not your fault.  Without meaningful discussions about sex in our day-to-day lives, we are at the mercy of shame and stigma. By taking action to change your mindset about sex, it will become more enjoyable too.