How Can I Get More From My Sex Life?
I teach people how to have sex – for a living! It’s the best job in the world.
After all these years of erotic detective work, I have discovered what works.Common issues clients seek me out for include:
- orgasm problems
- libido issues
- erection problems and
- mis-matched sex drives.
Technique Matters, But Wisdom Matters MoreTechnical sex mishaps are often endured because of a lack of accurate information. People tolerate painful or unpleasant sex because they simply don't realize they have a choice. I point clients in the direction of my online pleasure school to get the knowledge they should have gotten in high school but never did. But learning to think about sex differently is what really changes lives and helps to integrate the logistical information. Being amazing at blow jobs is wonderful, but if you’re not making time for blow jobs and your sex life is suffering, what’s the point? Learning to be better in bed is a combination of technical and mindset strategies. The sooner you invest in making sex a priority, the sooner it will all start to come together (no pun intended). Here are 5 powerful tips my clients have appreciated in our time together.
Be CuriousGet novel. Routine is the number one passion-killer. Our brains just zone out when we keep doing the same thing over and over. This happens at an unconscious level, even if we don't want it to. But fear not, because there are endless ways to experiment with sex. Learning about sex is never complete. I’ve been doing it for 20 years and I know many things, but I don’t know all the things. It's not possible. Being creative and expansive is crucial to keeping an open mind about pleasure and sex. New positions are helpful, but new activities are even better. Maintain curiosity about what your partner likes and invite them to give you feedback before, during and after sex. Try masturbating in a different place or different position or with a new toy. It might feel strange in the beginning, but I recently suggested this to some clients and the following week they told me that had gone into a sex shop to just buy lube and came out with vibrators, cock rings and even a riding crop!
Be More PlayfulThis is sex, people – it’s not a tumor. Lighten up! When we get stuck in a routine of who-does-what-to-whom, or I’m the initiator and you are the passive one etc, it takes the fun out of it. A helpful question to reflect on is "When was the last time you enjoyed sex?" Sometimes, where your mind goes when you hear that questions is a surprise. Many of us forget that enjoyment is even a thing in sex. Give yourself permission to loosen up in the bedroom and embrace your silly.
Value & Nourish Your Sex LifeTake ownership of your sex life. The truth is no one owes you shit when it comes to making sex a priority. It’s something you have to do together as a team. If you’re not happy with your sex life as it is, do something about it. Enduring unpleasant sex is a choice, not ‘how-it-is’. Without attention and nourishment, anything good will eventually die. This is true for sex and relationships too. Not talking about sex will keep you afloat for a while, but too many of my clients leave it way too late before they start making changes. Try this instead:
- Both acknowledge that sex is important in this relationship.
- Say what you like and want. You may not get it, but just get in the habit of saying it.
- Check in regularly about the overall health of the relationship. I often suggest that couples do this monthly.
- Invest in your sex education as adults.
- Have time together technology free.
Understand Initiation & RejectionNo surprise that initiation and rejection can be relationship destroyers. When left unchecked lovers can become resentful, frustrated and worse. Too many lovers suffer at the hands of unskilled initiation and rejection. The initiator gets tired of feeling rejected so they stop initiating directly. Their longings start to leak out in creepy or frustrating ways. The ‘sex vibe’ in the relationship becomes tense and the other partner is regularly on the defense because a hug is no longer a hug, it’s a complex power battle. What was a joyful connection can turn into a battleground. It’s normal to not have your sex drives in sync, but the issue here is not about making your partner change, it’s about learning to operate as a team. For example: Initiating Sex
- Speak your truth, but don’t demand or sulk.
- Respect your partner’s position and really hear what they’re experiencing
- Ask if there’s a way you can help your partner feel more open to connecting. Perhaps a bath and a rub-down? Perhaps the opportunity to vent about work, domestic life, the kids?
- If sex doesn’t happen this time, manage your own feelings and learn to process them maturely.
- Sometimes rejecting sex is a knee-jerk response. Before you snap NO, really hear your partner. Check in with yourself to find a place within you where you might find the enthusiasm, incentive or motivation for connection, perhaps after a rant, a shower or a run.
- If a full sex session feels too much, make a counter offer.
- If you really don’t have the chutzpah for it, affirm that you know it’s important to your partner and table it for later in the week. Let them know you have heard them but right now is not a good time.
Pleasure Is The Measure (Emily Nagoski)Worrying and stressing about sex is the sure-fire way to take the fun out of it. Prioritizing pleasure is one of the simplest but most powerful techniques I teach my clients. When pleasure is your focus, a world of opportunities opens up Don’t believe me, check this out…
- Pleasure makes sex less ‘goal-oriented’. If your only intention is to have a good time, that brings the team together.
- Say what you want and feel like. If you, like many of my female clients, do not know what you like and want sexually – learn. Find out. You know what music you like and you know what your favorite food is. Learn what you like in bed. It’s actually that straight-forward.
- Bring your attention to your body. Get out of your head. Being distracted kills pleasure. Feeling more = more pleasure.