How To Initiate Sex

Initiating sex can be uncomfortable for many of us.

You may be the type who initiates by grabbing a part of your partner’s body when they least expect it – usually resulting in a slap or a shove and a NO!

Perhaps you’re the begrudging “You know it’s been (insert number here) weeks since we did it?” then silence.

online sex workshopsOr perhaps you’re the get-back-into-bed-on-Sunday-morning… but all the while holding your phone type, hoping they ‘get the hint’, but they thought you were more interested in Instagram, than in them?

The thing is, initiating sex is hard, especially when we don’t know how to do it in ways that will yield a YES!

Focus on Feelings

How do you want to feel during sex?

  • Excited?
  • Wanted?
  • Surprised?
  • Carefree?

When Rhianna sings about being the only girl in the world, this is what she’s getting at. She wants to feel special, like she’s the focus of your thoughts and intentions. Regardless of gender, we all want to feel special and wanted so recall times in the past when that happened as a precursor to sex.

  • Were there dozens of sexy texts involved in the set up?
  • Was it outside of your usual routine?

Thinking about what’s worked is the best map you have of what’s going to work again.

Remind Your Partner You’re Attracted

Again, drawing from Rhianna’s wisdom, she wants to know you’re into her. Or Him. Or Them.

Everyone wants to feel wanted and we never tire of knowing we are attractive to our partners.

Get specific and tell them what you like:

  • I love the way you kiss me
  • Your shoulders look amazing in that T shirt
  • Watching you working in the yard the other day made me giddy about how damn HOT you are
  • Those pants look amazing on you. Yum!

Set Up Contexts for Connection

Cyndi Darnell Sex coach sex therapist NYCWe did this when we were dating. Sex didn’t just spontaneously happen. There was a ton of prep involved. Date nights, reservations, tickets, new outfits, grooming, preening, confirming…the list is endless. But we are tricked into thinking it was spontaneous.

When life gets in the way, stepping in to help is useful to create contexts for connection to flourish.

If your partner is overwhelmed and stressed much of the time, acknowledge and ask what you can do to take the load off. Don’t wait to be asked. Showing initiative in unpacking burdens has the double benefit of showing initiative in the bedroom too.

Even better, taking the lead without asking is always appreciated.

“I can see you’re overwhelmed right now so I am going to take the kids to the park for a few hours”.


 “I can see you need a break, why don’t you treat yourself to a spa this weekend and I’ll make dinner reservations for us.”


Get your bodies moving again. Dancing, wrestling & pillow fighting are great ways to do this (with consent obviously).

This is a less vulnerable option to get the blood flowing again and taking the pressure off an outcome.

If initiating as yourself feels too risky, be a character or role play a scene. Often characters where there are power dynamics can be extra hot.  The pool boy and the lonely, rich housewife is popular for a reason! Don’t let gender limit your imagination, play with the power dynamic.

Set challenges or make bets for sexual rewards, “If you get the radiator fixed this week, I’ll give you a BJ” or “If you win those tickets to Hawaii, I’ll give you an extra reward!”

The truth is, every initiation needn’t be a logistical feat of nature. Simply snuggling up and whispering in their ear can be more than enough. The point of increasing your effort is to remind your partner you’re into them and your relationship matters.

Don’t Stop Flirting

online sex workshopsPut anticipation back on the map by recognizing foreplay happens hours and days in advance.

We’ve been ambushed into thinking that foreplay is a quick little hand-job or spot of oral before ‘the main event’. Thinking that sex even has a main event is part of how we lose connection to pleasure in the first place.

Love notes and texts are a great way to build anticipation, even if you’re in the same room or the same house. Tell them what you like about them. Tell them how they make you feel. Tell them what you want to do. Not only does this build anticipation, it also establishes connection.

History Matters

Recall some of your hottest moments together. Tell your partner about some of your favorite memories of your sexual times together.

“Remember when we were on that hiking trip in the mountains and we spent the last day in bed all day, let’s get a room up there and do that again”

"When I was watching you at the barbeque last weekend, I loved seeing you in your element; center of attention and how people just wanted to be around you. I love watching you like that, it makes me really want you”.

Be Explicit

online sex workshopsBeing lusty is easy(er) when you’re just starting out. You’re less invested and there’s less to lose in taking erotic risks. That kind of risk-taking is incredibly sexy to many of us.

But over time, that kind of risk becomes more daunting, it becomes more vulnerable. It’s hard to risk like a teenager when you’re carrying the weight of the world as an adult couple.

Making sex a priority is crucial to getting this energy back. If your partner is on board:

Try grabbing them and kissing them hard against a wall – like you used to when you were wooing them -(only if they are into that)

Slink up behind them while they are otherwise occupied and kiss their neck like you used to.

Nibble their ears, neck or arms with a presence and intensity that makes them swoon. Never think this is just a man / woman thing. Play around with the energy in your erotic connections, no matter your gender. Your sexual play time is not to be bound by convention.

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