Why Can't I Come During Sex?

*This article is referring exclusively to ciswomen & men

"Why can’t I orgasm during sex?" She asks me…perplexed and bewildered.

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked that question, I’d not only be laughing all the way to the bank, I’d also be making sure everybody knew what I am about to tell you!

Especially if you want to orgasm during penetration. It just doesn’t happen all that often…or - ever.

Here’s the thing! Research shows that *women are less likely to orgasm during ‘sex’ than *men are. Historically, this had always been because women were perceived as complicated or frigid, but nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s been found that heterosexual women orgasm a mere 62.9% of the time with a familiar partner, while men orgasm 85.1% of the time. And according to a study in the American Sociological Review women are even less likely to orgasm during casual sex, with only about 40% saying that they climaxed during their last hookup (compared to 80% of men).

Multiple studies reveal a variety of numbers about levels of prowess and satisfaction among women, however what is conclusive, is if you have a vagina and the only sexual touch you get is with a penis going in it, and you ain’t coming, you my darling, are not the problem.

Now here’s the rub, or lack of - as it were. This problem applies almost exclusively to women who have sex with men! Cue gasps!

It’s been shown, that lesbians report having more orgasms, more frequently than heterosexual women and bisexual women. We could mistakenly think it’s solely because of a greater familiarity with the anatomy. However there is one glaring difference between the way lesbian and bisexual women have sex and the vast majority of heterosexual women… the disproportionate emphasis on the penis. Queer women simply recognize that penetration is a lesser locus of pleasure for vulvas.

Overwhelmingly heterosexuals put way too much emphasis on penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex as ‘real’ sex. And truthfully, to experience full erotic pleasure, all genitals benefit from a variety of pleasures, not just the old in-n-out.

study of 3,900 men and women (nearly all heterosexual) confirmed they were more likely to have an orgasm if their play included activities like oral sex, anal sex, manual stimulation, and PIV, even though most of them only bothered to do PIV. How could this be a thing? To my mind this says a whole lot more about our lazy attitude toward sex, women's pleasure and a profound lack of sex education.

This absence of knowledge leads many of us to think that women ‘get-off’ having penises in their vaginas, however when women masturbate, the vast majority who come, do so solely from clitoral stimulation. This means if you don’t orgasm from PIV sex, you are not broken. It’s just that that’s not how your body works!

sex therapist new york city. Low libido. Low desire. Cyndi Darnell online sex workshopsMost of us do not get sex education at school, and if we do it’s about babies and diseases, not pleasure and certainly not women’s pleasure. Most people do not realize a clitoris is more sensitive than a penis and is around 3-4 inches long! Can you imagine if we omitted the penis from sex education? It would just never, ever happen.

The trouble with PIV sex is you don’t get the right kind of touch you need to produce an orgasm. 

Men don’t come from having their balls massaged, even though they may like it and find it arousing. In most cases, it's just not enough to get them off. PIV is the same for most women. It’s often more psychologically arousing, than physiologically orgasmic. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just that its over emphasized as 'the main course' when it really should be a side dish if women's pleasure is considered important in sex.

I often say PIV sex is the ‘white bread’ of the sex world. It's tasty and fills you up, but it’s only an accompaniment to the main meal, not the meal itself. A steady diet of white bread is not going to leave you nourished and wanting more!

Vaginal penetration can feel great and it can be done with penises, fingers and dildos. Furthermore, cervixes can feel great for some women too as they are innervated by a different set of nerves to the clitoris. However, PIV is still unlikely to stimulate the cervix accurately due to the penis’ shape and positioning.

To get ahead and enjoy sex more you both have to know your bodies, how to touch and what’s going on down there. Without this information, sex is always going to be mediocre. The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy and Arousal addresses this specifically. Stop wasting time having mediocre sex and watch it!

Furthermore, do not be afraid to use a vibrator during sex. In fact it’s essential for many vulva owners. For most of us, it’s actually how we have an orgasm. Use a vibrator during sex as part of your play, then have PIV then use the vibrator again, then have both at the same time. It may require maneuvering and de-emphasizing PIV, and that’s OK! In fact it’s essential.

The way you come is not more dignified or advanced because there is a penis involved. This is outdated, made-up, unscientific BS that we will all benefit from leaving behind.

*I am a proud affiliate of The Pleasure Chest Stores.