I don’t like sex. What’s wrong with me?

Hi Cyndi,

I don’t like sex.

I would like to want to have to have sex but as soon as I start I can’t think about anything else but stopping. I am not in a relationship but have dated a few guys in the last year. Friends just say I haven’t met the right guy but if I think of my history there was only ever one guy I enjoyed sex with. No one has never made me orgasim and I can only make myself using a vibrator (which I do enjoy).

I feel confused and lonely by this because everyone is having sex except me. What should I do? Mish

Dear Mish,

This sounds like a very upsetting situation, yet a very common one too.

Many of us have conflicting feelings about sex and intimacy and it doesn’t help when well-meaning friends tell you the problem is yours and yours alone. The truth is, it’s not but there are things you can do to help. 

What is sex?

So, you don’t enjoy partnered sex, but I wonder what kind of sex that is exactly? Penis in vagina sex? Oral sex? Anal Sex? Using toys? Using hands? You mention that you enjoy orgasming from masturbation which is helpful. Sometimes partnered sex can take a little longer to get used to because it can feel like pressure. It can be  vulnerable being  with a new person and sometimes our bodies just do not respond the way we’d like in the beginning. This is normal. Part of learning to enjoy partnered sex is in getting comfortable saying what you like. That may also mean using toys in the bedroom!

The pressure to have (perfect) sex

1. Consider why you have sex? I mean, what are you hoping to get from it? This seems an unusual question to many, but it is one of the most helpful. Sometimes the pressure to have a lot of sex, or a certain kind of sex can make it unpleasant. Examining our motives for sex helps us understand our needs and our desire for sex.
2. Secondly, consider the people who are your lovers.

• How would you describe the connections you have with them?
• Are they the kind of guys to take an interest in your pleasure?
• Do you find it easy to tell them what you like?

Having dated a few guys in the last year and not liked them doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you, nor them. Many people find sex very hard to discuss. They avoid it, hoping that their partners will just magically know what they like. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your partner(s) how you like sex to be, would you consider showing them? Or, if they are simply not listening to you, it may be time to reconsider if you are a good fit for each other.

Where are you?

Where is your attention during sex? You say “I can’t think about anything but stopping” which sounds really distressing. Practicing mindfulness is a helpful alternative to struggling with sex and invites you to allow yourself to slow down and connect to your mind and body rather than being distracted by racing thoughts or worrying there is something wrong with you. A lot of women find this especially helpful and it’s been proven to have excellent outcomes for women living with sexual pain and even gynecological cancer.

Asexuality

Another consideration is a very small percentage of the global population who report no or very little interest in (partnered) sex. The current statistics suggest around 1% of the population feel that the descriptors of asexuality are applicable to them, they may be for you too.

If you think you would like to be sexual, but are feeling blocked take some time really invest in learning about sex and pleasure and what your desire is. Desire is such an important and misunderstood element of human sexuality and my course The Desire Series is one of the most comprehensive I have seen for people who are new to understanding their sexuality and desire.