How to Make Sex Last Longer

One of the most common questions I am asked is how to make sex last longer. For many of you, especially cis men, sex becomes challenging when you have to slow down and allow the encounter to lead you. After all, you long to be in control. You want to feel confident and sure of yourself in both the bedroom and the boardroom. For many of you, slowing sex down gives rise to anxiety and discomfort, sensations you don’t tend to associate with feeling ‘sexy’ and in control. But if you are willing to lean into this discomfort, a world of extraordinary pleasure awaits.

From an evolutionary perspective, fast sex served a useful purpose. It allowed seeds to spread with more efficiency. In a reproductively competitive environment, such seed-spreading was crucial to reproducing the species.

But for most of us that’s no longer why we have sex… if it ever was.

Today people of all genders and orientations are experiencing more choice around sexual expression. Our relationships and connections reflect what more of we yearn for, yet when it comes to sex, many of us still default to ‘fast and furious’ without recognizing we have a choice there too.

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From a Tantric perspective it is understood that our bodies heat up and linger in different ways. Some of us, especially cis women, are more likely to take time to reach a boiling point, but once there, can linger for hours. Cis men on the other hand, are more likely to experience a rapid build-up of sexual heat, then a rapid ejaculation and cool down. Such variations are completely normal in all genders, but recognizing how they affect and sustain pleasure is super useful and gives us more control.

One of the benefits of allowing sex to linger is the process the body goes through when allowed time to fully unfurl into the experience. By slowing sex down, the body and the mind have time to integrate, something most of us are not doing in our day-to-day lives. Slowing sex down long enough to drop goals and relax into a rhythm, allows the practice to feel more meditative, nourishing and creates a deeper and more fulfilling connection.

So how do we slow it down?

1. Pay attention to your intention. Why are you having sex? What is motivating you right now? Allowing yourself to be honest about your sexual motivations means you are more likely to be present in the encounter rather than striving for goals and trying to be ‘efficient’. If your intention is to feel connected, make that the priority. Don’t get distracted by performance or goals.

2. Change your routine. If you always have sex in a particular way, try something different. More than simply ‘spicing it up’, adding variety reactivates the curiosity centers in your brain. Science confirms you’re more likely to get inspired if your brain finds it interesting. This is why many couples report having better sex on vacation than at home – variety leads to curiosity which leads to pleasure.

3. Find the edge of your pleasure. ‘Edging’ is a commonly used term that refers to the point of no return in your orgasm. Especially for cis men who experience ejaculation at times they’d rather not, the practice of ‘edging’ invites you to find the place where you are close to orgasm, but not quite, then slow down and change what you are doing. This practice is intended to delay the orgasm. Change the activity and change where your attention is. Edging is like retraining your mind and body to work together, not in opposition.  

4. Vary your activities. One of the biggest problems heterosexual couples face in sex is the over emphasis on penis-in-vagina sex as being real sex, and everything else as foreplay. The truth is, sex is anything you want it to be, from traditional pants-off activities, through to touching, rubbing, stroking, kissing, slapping, hitting and even breathing. If you feel you’re getting close to a conventional orgasm, and you’d rather not, change the activity to focus on your attention or your partner instead.  

5. Change your positions. If penis-in-vagina / penis-in-anus / penis-in-mouth sex is really your jam, and you cannot imagine sex being a thing without it, shift the positions around. Stand up. Sit in a chair. Go outside. The options are endless. The only limit is your imagination.

6. Breathe. Most of us do not breathe enough in daily life and this is also true for sex.  Tension in the body can mean sexual energy remains localized to the genitals which gives us less control over our pleasure, orgasm and sexual expression. For some people, orgasm means sex is over… but it needn’t be this way. When we breathe deeply during sex, we allow the body to fully expand into the experience by relaxing and letting more oxygen into the blood stream. When we are more relaxed, we are able to feel more and have more control over where our sexual energy is going. We can move it beyond the genitals to feel what is often described as a "full-body orgasm".

7. Squeeze the PC muscle. Strengthening the pelvic floor is a useful practice for many reasons including sex. The PC muscle is one of the muscles in the pelvic floor which helps control orgasm. The easiest way for you to experience this muscle is to stop the flow of pee mid flow. Practice clenching and releasing this muscle as a way of deepening your relationship with this part of your body. You can also use this practice during sex play of all kinds to increase and change your sexual pleasure. Whether manual (hand sex), oral, intercourse, or impact play, this practice is a great way of building up or controlling the intensity of sexual energy in your pelvis.  

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8. Prioritize time for sex by making the effort to have hours for lingering pleasure. No matter your gender or preferred sex activities, making time for sex allows more time for the mind and body to recalibrate and bring you to the nourishing sensations your body longs for.

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with a quickie,  sometimes that is all that’s available or required. But if you only have a steady diet of quickie sex, much like fast food, you miss the nourishing value that lingering sessions offer.  Keep your options open and expand your palette. Reach out today for expert,  tailored help and guidance