Sexual Fantasies: What Do They Mean?
Sexual fantasies are as common as daydreaming. Imagining ourselves in a hot tryst with a (several) flight attendant(s), being desired by strangers at a sex party, doing unspeakable things with a celebrity crush, being punished by a cruel owner or getting paid for sexual acts we’d never do in real life are among the most common sexual fantasies people describe when allowed to explore them freely. For many of us, our fantasies are the one aspect of our lives we have total control over, so whether we are the protagonist or the recipient – we are in control of what happens and how, thus providing the perfect antidote to life’s daily ups and downs.
Sexual fantasies needn’t be elaborate nor extensive. They can be a brief encounter, or a longing for a specific act, object or interpersonal dynamic. They can come in the form of images, sounds, emotions or sensations, but what makes them compelling is the fact they arouse our senses and demand our attention.
Sexual Fantasies Vs Reality
When we daydream about fantasy holidays, ultimate jobs or travel adventures we allow ourselves full permission to experience the fantasy.
Such flights-of-fancy are not scrutinised by the same moral policing that our sexuality is. But the truth is, while in many cases we may actually want to travel, have a dream job or spend a week on a yacht eating caviar – we may not actually want to do the things we fantasize about sexually. Instead these fantasies can offer a portal into aspects of our non-sexual emotions that we are trying to reconcile in our day-to-day lives. I often describe these confusing experiences as part of the ‘sex bucket’ – like a fish bucket full of heads and guts before being turned into nutritious stock, the ‘sex bucket’ is the place difficult and incomplete emotions go to get processed when they feel too difficult to deal with. In other words, complex erotic fantasies are the residents of the emotional ‘too hard’ basket.
While sexual fantasies are extremely common and something many are at peace with, they can sometimes present as troubling, especially when they offer an experience of ourselves that sits in contrast with who we think we are. When this happens, we may feel an urgent need to remove the fantasy because what we think of the fantasy (our ideals, beliefs and values) and how we feel about it (turned on, excited and aroused) may be in opposition and can become a source of discomfort and shame.
What sexual fantasies are normal?
For example, sexual fantasies about sex with strangers may mean a desire to be free from pressure, duty and responsibility to others in our day-to-day lives. Sexual fantasies about someone we actively dislike, may help us come- to-terms with the dynamic between us, by taking control of the situation in our heads, to make peace with it in the real world. Usually, these sexual fantasies are about what that person represents – rather than who they are. Likewise, fantasies about being with a heart-throb type may speak to a need for perfection or acceptance that feels out-of-reach in our real-world life. Fantasies involving power exchange may mean a desire to gain or release control in our private lives, work lives, or even role in society. Fantasising about power dynamics from consensual to non-consensual, are some of the most popular sexual fantasies because power dynamics in an erotic context create such exciting arousal. Fantasies about gender may be about to a longing to break free of the social obligations placed upon us by traditional gender expressions, while fantasies of being the centre of attention and desired by large groups of people may be about longing to be seen and valued as a worthy person. Fantasies about or involving objects or locations may provide an opportunity to externalize complicated feelings (not even related to sex) so we can get to know them better from a manageable distance.
Further exploration into gay men's fantasies (specifically cuckolding) reveal a strong correlation between personality type and sexual activity preferences. And sometimes fantasies are just exactly what they are; excitement about being with, wearing or doing certain things simply because we enjoy them with no hidden meaning nor ulterior motive. After all, we like what we like and as long as no one is being (non-consensually) hurt – why not?
While studies of our fantasies and their meanings are 
not 100% clear, it is understood that our sexual fantasies offer us insight into parts of our lives that bring us meaning, but not necessarily always pleasure. Sometimes, acting on the fantasy can be an anti-climax or can leave us feeling worse than the anxiety it initially created.
Often what makes the fantasy powerful is the fact that it is just that – a fantasy! It’s purpose is to help process depper emotions, and is not always a reflection of any hidden erotic desire. Any attempt to act on it, kills its allure immediately. On occasion, this part of the game can be a crushing blow for the fantasizer as the one thing they have held dear and cherished as the greatest erotic high, comes crashing down with nothing to replace it.