One of the most common reasons people seek my services is because they’re struggling—in their sex lives, relationships, or connection to their own bodies and pleasure.
Not long ago, I received a DM on Instagram that said:
“I saw your post about making sex great, and I realized that even though I love my partner, I’ve never experienced ‘great’ sex. How do I even know when it’s great? What happens?”
Responding to “What is great sex?” isn’t simple, but one thing is clear: great sex isn’t just about technique—it’s about presence. And that’s where many people struggle.
In so many areas of life, we lack self-awareness. In other words, we’re simply not present.
Research shows that what separates so-so sex from mind-blowing intimacy is presence—the ability for you and your partner(s) to be fully engaged in the moment together.
Have you ever had sex where you felt completely in sync with your partner, as if time stood still? The bliss, the ecstasy, the freedom—even the vulnerability—all blending together?
Or do you often feel lonely and disconnected during sex, whether solo or partnered? Maybe you’re someone who wonders why others rave about sex—because for you, it’s never been that great.
Presence: The Key to Great Sex
When we think about presence, we often picture meditation—sitting quietly for hours, perhaps surrounded by incense and tranquility.
And when we think about sex, we imagine couples in love, living picture-perfect lives.
We rarely think about single people masturbating, or busy urban dwellers juggling careers and relationships—yet these are often the people who crave extraordinary sex the most. They long for moments of transcendence, escape from stress, and deeper connection.
But presence isn’t just something you practice in a yoga studio—it’s something you can cultivate while walking the dog, doing dishes, or making sandwiches. And the more you practice presence in everyday life, the more it transforms your sex life.
Let me explain.
It’s nearly impossible to be present during sex if you rarely practice presence when your clothes are on. That’s why vacation sex often feels more exciting—because you’re more relaxed and mindful. But you can’t go on vacation every week, so why not create that vacation mindset at home?
Here are 10 ways to be more present during sex:
1. Set the Scene
Minimize distractions before sex. Clear the clutter, make your bed, light candles, lock the door, and play music. Feeling safe and secure from disruption is crucial for presence.
2. Set an Intention
Take a moment to connect with yourself. Remind yourself why being present matters—for you and your partner(s). Say it aloud if you’d like.
3. Mix It Up
Autopilot kills presence. Try sex in different rooms, with new toys, or even with different partners if that’s your style. Change the outside, and the inside follows.
4. Slow Down
Presence takes time. Don’t leave sex for the end of a busy day. Slow, intentional moments—even if less frequent—are more satisfying than rushed encounters.
5. Relish Your Desire
Stop having sex you don’t enjoy. Honor your body, explore pleasure, and understand how it works—because sex is about more than just orgasms or reproduction.
6. Focus on Sensation
During the day, check in with your body. What do you notice while walking, eating, or working? During sex, ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Engage all five senses.
7. Lower Your Expectations
Yes, lower them. Great sex isn’t automatic, and it’s not a sign something’s wrong if it takes effort. Presence takes practice—so be patient with yourself.
8. Forget Orgasms
While orgasms can be delightful, fixating on them often undermines pleasure. True, embodied pleasure can last for hours—far longer than a fleeting climax.
9. Talk About Sex
Talk about sex when you’re not having it. Normalize sexual conversations—with partners, friends, or even solo journaling. The more comfortable you are discussing sex, the more connected you’ll feel during it.
10. Breathe
Breathwork is foundational to presence. Practice slow, deep breathing—whether you’re peeling carrots, checking the mailbox, or deep in pleasure.
Final Thoughts Great sex isn’t just about performance—it’s about connection, curiosity, and being fully present with yourself and your partner(s). And presence isn’t a magical skill—it’s something you can cultivate, moment by moment.
Start practicing presence today—and watch how it transforms your sex life.