What Women Want

With so many sex advice manuals describing different sexual positions as the answer to women’s orgasm problems, you’d think we’d have it made in the shade. According to such advice, we’d all be orgasming all over the place. But we are not. New research has revealed that women who have sex with women are almost one and a half times more likely to experience an orgasm than their counterparts who regularly have sex with men.

What’s this about?

Yvette came into my office, frustrated, sad and ashamed. Having been with her partner Steve for several years, she described that they had a great relationship and a great lifestyle, but Yvette was missing one important thing. Orgasms.

Especially confusing for Yvette was why she and Steve could be so great in so many ways but that orgasms still evaded her. Steve was kind, attentive and great fun, but no matter what position they tried, orgasms were just not on Yvette’s radar.

I asked Yvette what kind of activities she liked to do in bed. Her eyes widened a little like I had asked her if she wanted to join me in robbing a bank.

“I don’t know what you mean. I like sex, you know, just sex. Normal sex.”

I inquired further.

“Can you describe normal sex to me?”

“You know…”she said, a little uncomfortable. “Normal sex.”

What Yvette was describing of course, was penis-in-vagina sex, sexual intercourse; the thing that most of us refer to when we talk about ‘normal sex’.

What does this mean for us?

Turns out that Yvette’s difficulties with ‘normal sex’ are actually quite, err…normal. The reason being, something called the ‘coital imperative’, a fancy name for penis-in-vagina sex or sexual intercourse. The research suggests that women who have sex with women are significantly more likely to orgasm because the activities on offer are more varied and emphasize her pleasure over her performance. In other words, while women who have sex with men feel obliged to have penis-in-vagina sex in order to be ‘normal’, they are in effect, not having the kind of sex that produces orgasms for them. This is explained further in The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy and Arousal. In short, the kind of stimulation women need to experience orgasms, is generally unavailable from penis-in-vagina sex, no matter what position you are in.

So what produces orgasms?

This new research means that getting experimental with sex is the key to finding your pleasure and rocking your world. Men, if you normally default to penis-in-vagina sex, instead ask your lover what kind of touch she might like. Do some research and find out about the clitoris, the labia, the G spot and how oral sex can be so much better at producing waves of orgasm for her than penis-in-vagina sex. Dazzle her with your interest in her pleasure. She’ll love that! Take it slow, don’t rush and communicate and explore. In fact, penis-in-vagina sex can be just another dish on your tapas plate. You no longer need to make it the main course, which is especially helpful for men who experience trouble with unreliable erections or ejaculations.

Women, if you are not sure what you like other than penis-in-vagina sex, try to find out. Find out about how your body works and why, and practice touching yourself in ways that produce pleasure. Consider buying a toy that stimulates your clitoris, use different kinds of lubricants and see how you like that sensation. This kind of stimulation is more like the ways women who have sex with women might experience orgasms, where penis-in-vagina sex may happen, but is not necessarily the main event.

By broadening your sexual repertoire, you are better able to orient yourself toward what feels good, knowing that what brings you pleasure is actually what also makes you, perfectly normal.