Sex can be difficult to talk about, but it can be especially difficult to talk about when your sexual connection isn’t quite what it could be or used to be. For a lot of us, knowing how to engage in sex that makes it fun, fulfilling, hot, pleasurable or even deeper than ever before is hard to do.
The dreaded ‘talk’
So many of the couples I meet struggle with not only how to have the conversations about making sex better, but also what to do about it. On the surface, it seems easier to sweep it under the carpet or hope for the best, wishing that it will just magically get better all by itself.
We avoid sex conversations for a variety of reasons; feeling embarrassed, afraid, awkward, don’t want to cause pain to the other, feeling demanding and being afraid of rejection are some of the most common reasons we put it off. It is important to talk about sex, but a lagging sex life and a conversation about sex needn’t be doom and gloom. In fact, it signals you making sex a priority and if done respectfully, can mean that you value the connection enough to make it a valuable and powerful part of your relationship.
Why sex lags.
Sometimes, falling into a sex slump is the result of stress and problems in other parts of your life. Sometimes it’s about strains in the relationship. Sometimes it’s because you just don’t have all the info you need to make sex fabulous. Sometimes it’s about not spending time together, or in contrast, spending too much time together – but not in ways that leave you feeling good. In fact, this can sometimes make you resentful and leave you feeling like there is more than this, or something better elsewhere or that you and your beloved are missing out. All of these feelings and thoughts are common but can also mean the death knell for a lagging sex life.
Change it up.
Conventional sex advice suggests spicing things up. All very well and good, but spicing things up without considered attention can also backfire or can unwittingly surprise your partner, especially if you haven’t sought out their consent first.
Instead try these tips to help you get the zing back:
- Give your self-permission to time-travel back to your first dates and remember what got you together in the first place. What did you crave about each other? What turned you on about each other? What did you desire most about them? What did you love witnessing them do, say or be that made you weak at the knees?
- Write love notes to each other or send sexy texts telling each other what you loved about what they did or said when you first got together. This can help you recreate an atmosphere of enthusiasm and shift the focus from business-as-usual to remembering what’s possible.
- If you are in a new relationship and everything is great – tell them what you love / like / find hot about them (and notice how it feels to say those words out loud, rather than just have them as thoughts floating in your head). Sometime communicating your passion is a way of letting your partner know how much you really desire them.
- Recall the hottest sexual experience you have had with your beloved. What made it hot / enjoyable / fulfilling / erotic? Tell them. Or better still give yourselves permission to re-enact it.