Last week this email arrived in my inbox…
I am in a great relationship with my partner, we have been together for a few years and things for us are pretty good – but we really just struggle in getting to a good place sexually. We really love each other, but it’s just so hard to get our sex life feeling connected – What can we do?
Hmm, this seems to be the ultimate quandary of so many couples I meet. Most of us are brought up to believe that ‘love’ is enough – and if you find the right partner, everything (including sex) should just be easy, as if magically all the information we need about sex is automatically downloaded right when we need it so we can have explosive sex and orgasms with no learning whatsoever.
But just ask anyone who’s been in a relationship longer than a few months how ‘easy’ that is. For many of us, it’s just not easy – and sometimes we just give up.
In many ways, finding the right partner is part of the process, but more important is finding the right information, then exploring what to do with it. Sadly, loving someone is not really going to help with this process, but learning more about how sex really works (not making babies) and what is possible through sexual connection really will.
“I just want sex to be this mind-blowing thing, and for me it’s just not – I feel like I’m just not normal and not getting what everyone else is on about”.
Craig worries that he’s not satisfying his partner:
“ I worry that I’m not big enough, not hard enough – it does my head in – everyone knows bigger is better, but I just feel like I’ll never have the sex I want because I am not big enough”
The problem lies in cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all approaches to working out how to experience more satisfaction from sex. Stella is trying so desperately to be like everyone else – she’s forgotten to pay attention to what she likes. Craig is so concerned about his performance that he is unable to concentrate which leaves him feeling inadequate and hopeless.
The secret to better sex is not trying to fit a standard – but going more deeply into what you like. In fact, the secret to better sex is about combining the right information and learning more about how to apply it to your specific needs. The ‘right information’ in many cases is right under your nose – literally in your nose – your breath; and also in your body, mind and soul. Breath is one way to connect to what your body most deeply desires – but being distracted by worries or thoughts is a sure-fire way to kill off any libido or passion that may be lurking underneath. Practice taking fuller deeper breaths next time you are having sex or masturbating. Practice taking them until you start feeling a little bit funny, then keep doing it. Notice what happens when you focus on your breath instead of your thoughts; this is the first step to deeper erotic practice – and the best thing of all is that it’s 100% free.