This past week I was thrilled to stumble across this article in The Guardian which frankly and explicitly discusses the reasons why some *women’s lack of interest in, and enthusiasm for sex, is so much more than just a prudish, old fashioned sex-negative response. For a lot of women, the lack of knowledge that their lovers have of their bodies and how to pleasure them is enough to curb the enthusiasm of even the most passionate fornicator. But in such cases, is it so bad that despite women actively seeking sex, when offered a ‘roll in the hay’, some would choose masturbation in order to escape the emotional and psychological heavy lifting that is required of them to avoid ‘meh’ sex? It seems so!
Indeed the question of women’s desire is vast, and one I address often in my private sessions, writing and live seminars & workshops, but what struck me about this article was how plainly it addressed the fact that for a lot of women, sex is really just mediocre because their lovers simply do not understand how their bodies work and what gets them off.
Some might argue that their lovers just don’t care what turns them on, but I am instead, erring on the side of optimism; that surely smart, loving, kind folk do want sex to be fulfilling for all involved. Certainly the majority of the young men I work with are very keen to please, with their older counterparts falling into two camps; the enthusiastic pussy whisperers alongside the ‘but I already know everything – I’ve been doing this for years’ cohort. However, the unfortunate truth is despite age or experience, without adequate knowledge of how the body works in response to pleasure, many of us are limited in our ability to both give and receive erotic fulfilment.
“Until the day that every “how to please her” article on AskMen.com comes with a realistic anatomy chart and clear instructions that this can take some time, we might get a little closer. And if those guys who keep humming when they go down on me finally cut that shit out like I said, we will be even closer still”. – Alana Massey
For a lot of women, going through the effort of explaining to lovers what to do and how to do it can be not only labour intensive but also repetitive with no guarantee that their lovers will respond affirmatively to their instructions. In casual hook-up scenarios, it’s easy to see why women might be less inclined to bother, especially if the investment doesn’t extend to more than a one night stand. This is not because women are necessarily out to snare a husband as legend would have us believe, but rather just getting their basic needs met sexually can be an ordeal in a culture that overemphasizes intercourse as the main event of sex; which for a lot of women truly does leave them feeling – ‘meh’. While pleasant and at times exciting, it’s just not the thing that gets women off every time!
In long term relationships where partners have got into a sexual routine, it can be hard to broach the topic of ‘poor form’ when we just don’t have the knowledge, skills or language to help make those changes.
So getting to a place where sex is genuinely more enjoyable requires straight forward anatomical education – education that goes beyond birds and the bees and the ridiculous simplicity of intercourse as the ‘be all and end all’, to taking a more curious and investigative approach to sex that focusses on pleasure, rather than performance and climax.
If you are interested in getting the education to revolutionize your understanding of sex and pleasure, take a long hard look at The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy and Arousal that I created exactly for this purpose. It takes the most common sex and pleasure problems people face in an era of hook ups, gender equality, feminism and sex positivity, and gives straight forward anatomical information to help you understand what your body does, what your lover’s body does, why it does it, and how to make sex serve both of you better.
My work in this area is deeply committed to myth busting, eliminating shame and stigma, and creating opportunities for people to unlearn the unhelpful myths about sex that stop them from being the lovers they want to be.
It’s not rocket science, it’s just good manners!
*This article is inspired by the Guardian article which describes the experiences of cis women in a heterosexual dynamic. Cis refers to a person whose gender assigned at birth is the same gender they identify with as adults. The references to women in this article are about cis women in relation to cis men.