Pick-up artists, pick-up workshops, dating tips, sexy profile pics, embracing your inner goddess, to cock-pic or not to cock-pic? – the list goes on and on and on.
What really strikes me in all of this is one fundamental thing that is missing! There is SO MUCH focus on the SELF- The ME in the equation –
- Look at ME
- Adore Me
- Want Me
and there appears to be so very little on the OTHER? Let see how this works out for us.
When we engage in dating, pick-ups – online or otherwise- let’s stop to consider, even momentarily WHY we are doing it? Seriously? May seem like a DUMB question- but truly – let’s get real! Why are we there?
For many of us – the answer is bold and clear- connection. Less frequently it’s about getting off – just getting off– pure and simple. So consider this. If our motivation was JUST to get off (which is perfectly valid and reasonable by the way – no judgement there from me) why bother going through all the effort and energy of utilising a dating site or engaging the chase if you could just as easily achieve the desired outcome alone- Han(ds) Solo (pardon the pun) rather than dragging yourself & another into what could be readily achieved all alone?
The truth is- even if the drive for partnering we seek is only for a brief moment- the motivation behind it is immensely profound. CONNECTION. Yet- it’s not the focus of our pursuits.! Instead we focus on OURSELVES and what we can GET rather than what we can offer. This is never and has never been the recipe for connection we crave.
An Alternative For Getting What You Want
Yes- self gratification is important- but when two parties approach dating / sex from a place of need rather than exchange – where does that leave us in terms of getting our sustaining, affirming and deeper needs met?
Connection requires two (– or more if you like) people. There must be a two way valve, an ‘’in – out’’ resonance (being a sex writer is an endless opportunity to live in a universe of double entendres don’t you know?) in order for the ignition to spark.
We rarely take the time to consider
- What am I bringing to this encounter?
- What am I OFFERING?
- How can I co-create this adventure?
When we focus on what we can get at every intersection- it’s no wonder we are left feeling a little tainted when lo-and-behold- we find the ‘’other’’ – the object of our affection, is also focussed on themselves rather than on US as we would like!
The ME ME ME Era
The humble art of OFFERING is forgotten in the ME era. In the ME era- the focus just on ME means viewing the world from a pin-hole lens. Quelle Desastre!
When we get a sense (even just a glimpse will do) about how others might experience us and what we can offer them – we set up a much hotter playing field, more room for an exchange – rather than a vacuum seal of one-way mirrors. Seems counter intuitive but getting our needs met requires knowing the Self well enough to know what we have to share with others! Knowing where we start and finish helps us create the edge we need to take an active role in seduction – regardless of how we identify. Knowing both what we want AND what we offer brings this dance to life. We minimise our chances of feeling rejected & hurt because we know what our motivations are more clearly. A lot of the time we are racing toward a blind interaction, driven by unknown motivators , focussed on a need to pacify our anxieties rather than prioritising seduction – the very thing we want most! When our biggest motivator is also our blind spot – sexuality can get very very messy!
A considered balance of what we can create from scratch presents a lure that is guaranteed to not only get attention but HOLD attention – for as long as we both (all) desire.
Knowing more about WHO WE ARE, experiencing more about who we are is the freedom and passion we crave to share with others.