I am married, age 47, to date have not been able give my wife a single orgasm. Is there a single act where this can be achieved?
Thanks for your question. I often hear stories from men in my practice, about their inability, or at least a perceived inability to be able to pleasure their female lovers. There are potentially a range of reasons why this could be happening, not least of all some misinformation when it comes to sex.
For many people, especially women and their partners, sex can be rather nuanced and confusing. A lot of women feel shame about their bodies due to the way they are told their bodies work or the way they feel about them. This happens for a variety of reasons and is very common and rather distressing for everyone involved. Men too feel confused by women’s bodies. Men are told that women are confusing, simply because they are different to men in the way they express their eroticism. In many cases this can all be addressed by slowing sex down and paying more attention to her responses, especially when you’re touching her in ways that please her.
From your letter, it’s hard to know what you have tried, but in terms of ‘single acts’ that create orgasm for women, most commonly orgasm is experienced clitorally.
The clitoris is the most innervated part of any human body. A clitoris is, therefore, even more sensitive than a penis. However, if your wife feels uncomfortable being touched or stimulated, no amount of sensitivity is going to feel good if she is not willing or engaged in the process.
One of the other things I notice from your letter is the idea of ‘giving‘ and ‘achieving’ orgasm. While it can feel nice to give to our lovers and help them feel good, sometimes such ideas can put a lot of pressure on both parties – as if sex is more like an exam where outcomes are mandatory, rather than something pleasurable and delicious for its own sake. Instead shift your attention to feeling good, rather than forcing outcomes. You might find that you are both able to relax into the experience more.
So, for the purpose of information, let’s assume that your wife is as perplexed by this as you are, AND that she is willing and enthusiastic about the process of discovering her orgasmic potential. Here are some things I suggest you try together to see if things can change a little (or a lot).
- Tantric and Taoist perspectives on sex tell us that men are like fire and women are like water. What this means is that men are quick to get hot but also quick to extinguish, whereas women take longer to heat up, but once hot, can simmer and boil for hours. Now this is not to say there are never variations on this, of course there are, but I wonder if your wife fits the description of water here? If so, take a more holistic approach to setting up the fire to get her waters simmering.
- Time. Create an environment where she knows she has time to focus and relax. Remove all distractions and responsibilities, including work, children, TV and any daily errands. Check in advance to see how you can support her to make sure these things are done so she can focus for an hour or two (or a whole weekend) just on herself. By supporting her in knowing she has time to just switch off, you are building the fire to help her begin enjoying sex. Any chance of being rushed, distracted or disturbed can be off-putting for her, so making sure you have all these bases covered shows her you’re sensitive to her and helps you build an environment into which she can retreat deeply.
- Put your attention on HER and her needs, not on trying to make her have an orgasm as a performance to affirm either of you. For a lot of women, orgasm alone is not enough when there is no deeper connection or intention behind it. Although pleasant, it sometimes leaves them feeling ‘meh’ – especially if they feel they have to perform for you. Instead, start by touching her whole body with long firm strokes. We want to get the blood moving inside her body. If she is laying stiff and not responsive, it’s going to be hard to get any kind of ignition happening within her. By using long firm strokes over her whole body and inviting her to breathe and relax, you are letting her know she has all the time in the world to enjoy the sensations you are offering.
- Experiment with different erogenous zones on her body including, neck, shoulders, scalp, ears, belly, inner thighs, inner arms, back, buttocks and feet. See which she prefers and experiment with speed and pressure. Light feathery touch can feel nice sometimes but annoying at others. Invite her to provide feedback to your strokes to get a sense of the maps of her body. Then follow them.
- When she indicates that she is ready to receive more genitally, start slowly and seduce her into inviting more speed and pressure. I also suggest you use a quality silicone lubricant or saliva as dry fingers on a dry pussy don’t feel great. It’s definitely worth spending the extra money on a quality lubricant and not just the sticky, goopy, sweet stuff from the supermarket. Ask her how she likes to be touched or ask her to show you. Keep your focus on the vulva (inner and outer lips and clitoris – rather than the vagina – a.k.a. inside). The reason for this is that if you are both interested in helping her orgasm, staying focused on stimulating the outer areas is a great way to start. For many women, a clitoral orgasm doesn’t even need any kind of vaginal penetration, unless she wants and likes it (find out more in The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy & Arousal below). Never assume that she wants or needs vaginal stimulation without her indicating so – especially if you’re making the session all about her needs.
- By focusing on the vulva and clitoris and using your mouth, tongue and fingers, and encouraging her to relax and enjoy – you could help her relax into the orgasmic experience you’re (both) seeking. You may also find that using a powerful mains-powered external vibrator on her clitoris can help this process. By bringing toys into your lovemaking, you allow space for her to really open up sexually and it takes the pressure off you to be the sole provider – (especially if she’s a simmerer) as some women can indulge in an hour or more of such play before even thinking about orgasm. Why scoff down the main course, when you can pace yourself before dessert? Remember for a lot of women, extending the pleasure can be greater than any orgasm at all.
- Focus on her needs and desires and invite her to really participate in the process. Women are hardwired for delicious sex and eroticism – sometimes it’s just the right combination of time, relaxation and technique that will provide the ultimate recipe to deep, succulent surrender and satisfaction.
And finally…because so many people of all genders struggle with this knowledge, this is why I made The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy & Arousal video series. Learn everything you need to know about the vulva, orgasms and squirting, labia, the clitoris and so much more. In fact this is an ideal series to watch together. This series is over 2.5 hours of information including how things work and how to touch for exquisite sensations. I suggest you watch a little together, discuss what you saw, watch a little more, discuss a little more. You get the picture…. rinse and repeat.