How do I talk to my kid about porn?

Jan 142013
 

Dear Cyndi

I recently found out my 12 year old son has watched porn and I don’t know what to do about it. I know I can’t stop him but I just don’t know what to say or where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

John

 Dear John,

In this contemporary climate, the instances of young people seeing porn are frequent. Porn in and of itself is not inherently a problem, (one’s own moral compass may deem this to be otherwise)  but rather it’s our relationship and responses to porn consumption that can cause damage and affect both parents and children.

Porn is intended to be an adult medium. It is made for adults, by adults, and ideally not to be viewed by minors. However, with more and more youngsters accessing online porn  (and for the purposes of this discussion, mainstream porn) the ”head in the sand” attitude can no longer be applied. Their curiousity suggests that they are becoming aware of sexuality and this presents a wonderful opportunity to be able to discuss not only the birds and the bees, but also human relationships. The onus is on the parents and care-takers to help young people process what they’re seeing, rather than relegating it to the ”too hard” basket. Banning porn or banning porn discussions can only exacerbate the problem. We know from history that prohibition doesn’t work and only drives desires and curiosity underground. So what to do if your child is watching porn?

  1. Start by asking them how they felt about what they saw. Learning to process feelings is a life skill and they are never too young to learn to process emotions. Processing emotions involves a few key steps:
  • Name what you’re feeling. Being able to name an emotion makes it more manageable and less intimidating. Some common emotions might be, confused, excited, scared, disgusted, intimidated, intrigued or weird. If it’s too difficult to name an emotion, try identifying a sensation: butterflies, tingling, hot, nervous, maybe even aroused. Sometimes sensation is the body’s way of communicating a feeling that language has no name for.
  • At times feelings are unpleasant or uncomfortable. That’s ok. When we panic in response to discomfort, that is when problems / miscommunications can arise. Focus on staying calm and acknowledge the emotion, allowing it to be present, no matter how awkward. Bear in mind that emotions always pass.  Always.

2. Monitor your own response: Kids (like adults) respond to a variety of communicative cues, so while language is important,  tone conveys emotion, especially  judgement and anxiety. If you have reservations and judgements about your child’s behaviour, they’re going to be sensitive to that and notice any panic and judgement in your voice. No one likes to be judged or be the source of someone’s anxiety, kids are no different. Be mindful of your state of mind before you talk to them as it could do more harm than good if you have not processed your OWN emotions around porn. (see step 1)

3. Encourage a dialogue and not a monologue. By being part of the conversation, people (including kids) feel more included in what’s going on. Guidance is the key, not judging! You’ll get a much better response when your child feels included and valued.

4. Depending upon the direction your conversation takes or the maturity level of your child, you might want to explore a variety of topics of dialogue including:

  • the ‘action movie’ nature of some porn (i.e some porn stars are stunt people, professionals in their craft and not everyone can do or wants to do what they do; just like in action movies).
  •  what is omitted from  a lot of porn (unlike real life) such as the negotiation, the consent and the relationship between the performers.
  • a lot of mainstream porn portrays very stereotypical gender roles which do not always fit across the board. Not all men want to be givers / doers / active and not all women want to be receivers / recipients / receptive.
  • lots of different body types and colours are beautiful / sexy  / attractive
  •  a lot of mainstream porn does not always acknowledge / show women’s pleasure.
  • Porn is fun, but it’s not a substitute for sex with another person whose company you enjoy.

Young people stumbling across and watching occasional porn is a normal part of exploring a burgeoning sexual curiosity. Despite the ease of access these days, kids have been finding Dad’s Playboy stash in the garage for years! While the nature of what the kids are seeing has changed ( and certainly requires processing for minds that are not ready to comprehend it yet)  their curiousity has not. Your child is not damaged or set on a path of destruction if you find them showing a little interest in porn. By modelling a healthy relationship with sex and sexuality at home and allowing honest and respectful discussions about what they saw and how they felt, your child will feel more inclined to discuss their feelings with you. You’ll be in a much better position to keep tabs on what they’re up to if they trust you with the truth. 

 

 January 14, 2013  anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, kids, men, parents, pleasure, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex education, teachers, teens, wellbeing, women Comments Off

Rough Sex Anyone?

Jul 052012
 

 Rough sex, anyone?

My current lover and I have been having quite rough sex. Hair pulling,  choking and slapping, etc. I am really enjoying it in the moment but afterwards feel a bit strange about it. He is very loving and respectful generally, but I worry I am betraying my feminist principles by allowing / enjoying these activities. What do you think?

Ivy. Collingwood

Dear Ivy,

Rough sex gets a bad rap sometimes, and often for the wrong reason. Sometimes people assume that rough sex means that one partner is being coerced, and the other partner is being unnecessarily aggressive, or aggressive as a form of genuine punishment, hatred or anger. While this can and does happen in situations where consent is not established, the difference here Ivy, is you are consenting and enjoying it. This is an extremely important distinction.

Pleasure and eroticism come in many forms. Sadly, because human sexuality is not discussed frequently enough or widely enough in a public context, it is often hard to know what other people enjoy and how many people enjoy it. We are often forced to keep our sexuality to ourselves for fear of being shamed or ridiculed for it.

The current surge and interest in rough sex play and kink can be measured by the popularity of books such as 50 Shades of Grey. Regardless of what one thinks of it from a literary perspective, people all over the world are now talking about alternative sex practices more than ever, and in more public ways. To my mind, this is a VERY good thing. Books like this give permission for people to experience alternative forms of sexuality and arousal, and decide for themselves whether or not THEY would like to try them and then whether  or not they like them.

While some aspects of rough and kinky sex do carry a degree of danger, the acts you’re describing (aside from the choking) are essentially harmless, as long as you pay attention to your limits and honour them. The dangers with choking are very real and very high, and even the most experienced kink practitioners warn strongly against it. Learn and understand your limits with spanking and hair pulling, communicate them, and stop immediately if it ceases to be fun! its always a good idea to have an agreement with your lover about what your ”stop” word( also known as a safe word) is, so he knows when he hears this word, it really means STOP IMMEDIATELY, and is NOT part of the game. Choose in advance an incongruent word that you both identify as being the STOP word. eg. car keys ( or some other random and un-sex related word).

While feminist principles are a valuable part of being a contemporary woman, so too is your relationship with your sexuality. As a person of any gender, allowing yourself to freely express and enjoy your eroticism is a healthy and fundamental part of being an adult. Depending upon how you perceive your feminist principles in light of sexual pleasure , you may find that the two can very comfortably go hand in hand, because as women, we have fought (and continue the fight) to be allowed to decide what we do with our own bodies, who we share them with and how. Give yourself permission to be all of who you are, sexual, sensual, kinky AND feminist. They do not need to be in conflict with each other.

 Listen to your body, notice its responses. This is where you will find the greatest liberation.

 July 5, 2012  adult, communication, kink, kink / rough sex, pleasure, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex, sex education, shame, women Comments Off

Pondering Shame

Feb 252012
 

Recently I have been considering the notion of shame, and the role that it plays in the sex lives of all of us.  Shame, as distinct from embarrassment or guilt, comes initially from an external force that tells us we are bad or wrong because of something that we do, say or like. This force could be family, school or most often religious institutions and even the media, that presents sanitised and uninformed images of ‘normal’ sexuality. Yet, given the amount of shame surrounding our sexuality, does anyone REALLY have any idea what ‘normal sexuality’ even is? And how has it come to pass that such institutions as schools, religious organisations and the all powerful media have any capacity to even determine what normality is, when the complexity and diversity of sexuality is rarely acknowledged, or discussed in public without a veil of shame or fear surrounding it?  Sex and sexuality often end up in the too hard basket. This hardly seems fair, unbiased or even humane to me.

Many of us encounter shame for the first time as children. If we were ‘’caught’’ masturbating, or self-pleasuring in anyway, we may have been chastised, told-off or somehow made to feel inadequate and perhaps even damaged in some way for our behaviour or desire. We learn from a young age, that THAT kind of pleasure is not acceptable. So we learn to keep it inside.

Silent.

The desire never goes away.

It just eats away at us. Our guilty little secret.

Silenced.

Yet we are expected to lead fulfilling sex lives and intimate relationships that maintain a sanitised level of morality, because THAT of course, is NORMAL. So, who exactly expects this of us? Often, WE DO! We are our own worst nightmare and Chief Commissioner of our  very own fun police!

Let’s see this in more detail.

Once we leave school or our families of origin, we’re free! We’re free to make our own decisions and live our lives as we see fit. The shame that was once put upon has lifted and we’re open to the world. Right? Well, maybe…………………. but maybe not.

  • How many of us can say that we are able to freely engage in all of our genuine desires without a degree of shame?
  • How many of us are terrified that if our lovers knew this about me, they’d leave me for sure?
  • How many of us have been coerced into doing things we may not have wanted to do for fear of being abandoned, yet not being able to talk about it?
  •  How many of us have wanted to engage in something new or different from the regular routine but been too terrified to ask for it?
  • How many of us feel our body is not good enough?

Part of living in the West means having encountered some or all of these kinds of aspects of shame. You are not alone.

BUT, even though you may have escaped the school, church or family that taught you that you were not worthy, many of us find it hard to let go of this profound and at times impermeable conditioning. Our internal all-knowing, all-judging harsh moral arbitrator determines what’s allowed and what’s forbidden. We keep ourselves in a perpetual state of self- shame by remaining silent about our innermost desires, fears or passions and believing that if we were to share that side of ourselves, we would be inherently, permanently unloveable.

So, what to do about this?

The process of dismantling shame can come in many forms.

Friends, lovers, therapists, support groups, art, comedy, books, workshops, seminars are all fabulous ways of beginning to dismantle the shame walls that may exist around you. The more you begin to explore, the more chance you have of finding that there are many, many, many others who feel similarly to you. I’d even take an educated stab and say, MOST of the population.

Sanitised morality is a fabricated construction. It is NOT normal, and it is not controlled by you. Only YOU are in control of your sexuality and pleasure, and it is your right AND your responsibility to take care of your well-being.

If you haven’t already, I enthusiastically encourage you take the first step on the journey to a more fulfilled you today. You could start by contacting me for a private session, or explore any of the links on my LINKs page to find some Melbourne resources to get you underway.

You may find that it will actually change your life, forever.

 February 25, 2012  adult, anxiety, intimacy, men, My Blog, pleasure, sex, sex education, shame, Uncategorized, women Comments Off

More On The Topic of Exploring Genitals

Feb 122012
 

 

There has been an astounding response to the podcast on female anatomy and arousal that I recorded with Catherine Deveny. The response, particularly from men, has been one of praise  for not only having the discussion publicly, but also making it educational and entertaining. Thanks to everyone who has listened so far.

Sex education is paramount regardless of our age and for as long as I am who I am, I will never tire of teaching and learning about sex and sexuality.  The taboos surrounding the alleged mystery of women’s sexuality really do nothing for creating a deeper sense of connection between women and those who love them.  While many women may feel they tend to operate from a different place to men in terms of sexual communication and sexual response, the difference is hardly mysterious! It’s just DIFFERENT, and often from woman to woman, it is different.  While the medical professions have previously and to a large extent still do, use conventional male sexual response as the gauge against which all NORMAL sexuality is measured, the only MYSTERY I can see is why genuine discussions about what is sexually arousing to anyone, regardless of their genitals,  is just not discussed enough! TALK ABOUT SEX FOLKS! Here is my call to arms!

Regardless of your orientation, you are in charge of and responsible for enabling your own arousal, pleasure and sexual awakening. If this sounds daunting or somehow contradictory, remember that your body is the vehicle through which you experience everything on this planet. No one can tell you that Brussel Sprouts are great if, to your tongue, they are just downright disgusting! (Having said that, maybe they were just not prepared the right way!……………….  I’ll leave you to ponder that.)

Even your ability to love, be loved and share pleasure is determined by your capacity to allow pleasure into your life. For example, slaving away on a blow job (and I use this term as a non-gender specific word for oral sex) just isn’t going to cut it  if you’re heart is not in it, or the person you’re devouring is not truly able to receive, or actually, just really doesn’t like blow jobs………………..( yes those folks DO exist )………………… no matter how carefully the sprouts have been prepared.

In life and blow jobs, motivation is everything.

Taking the time to explore your own body is a wonderful pathway to being able to share your body with your partner/s, regardless of the kind of genitals between your legs. Setting aside time to really play with yourself or your lover  just for enjoyment, without the goal of orgasm in mind, can be one of the most enticing, intimate and satisfying sex sessions you could ever have.

 

Let me know how you go!

 February 12, 2012  adult, genitals, intimacy, men, My Blog, pleasure, practice, sex, sex education, women Tagged with: , , , , , , , , ,  Comments Off

New Podcast Released

Jan 132012
 

Wow. What an exhilarating day! Talk about PLEASURE overload.

Pleasure of course can  be sourced from a squillion locations both internally and externally, and today mine came in the form of the GLORIOUS Catherine Deveny AND everyone of you who popped by my site and followed me on Facebook and Twitter leaving your comments of praise and encouragement!

By 7pm this evening, our podcast on vaginas and some of their workings had had over 1000 hits which really screams that there are a whole lotta folk TRULY interested in genuine, intelligent conversations about sex and sexuality and its function in our lives.

I am just thrilled at the response from the listeners. I love your comments and your questions. Keep ‘em coming.

 

With pleasure

Cyndi

 

 

 January 13, 2012  adult, genitals, My Blog, pleasure, podcast, practice, sex, sex education, women Comments Off