Can I get a sexually transmitted infection? I’m married!

Sep 272012

Dear Cyndi

I view the use of condoms as a necessary evil, but I have been wondering recently whether the fear I have of contracting an STI is far higher than the actual risk. All the statistics that I can access relate to specific high risk segments of the population, and I view myself in about as low a risk category as I can imagine: middle aged, middle class, long term married, straight, non-drug user, Caucasian. When my wife and I play with others in the same category, is our insistence on the use of condoms actually ridiculous ?

Keith

Dear Keith,

This is indeed an excellent question, and one which does truly deserve a lengthy answer. The short answer re: using condoms with non fluid bonded ( i.e non-monogamous / tested / 100% aware of health status) type partners is YES YOU SHOULD!

Why? Here we go.

While you and your wife are aware of your STI status ( i.e I assume you have STI tests every few months or so depending upon the frequency with which you have multiple partners, as this is the ONLY way to be sure of your status) your play partners may not. Do you discuss this with them? Are they willing to discuss their sexual health with you? If not, why not? is my next question. Being middle class etc does not make you immune. If anything , certain infections ( HPV (warts) & Chlamydia) are rife among the over 40s heterosexuals as after years of marriage or monogamy, many are out on the dating scene again and have forgotten (or never learned) the safer sex info they (should have) got as teens. Being middle aged does not give you a ring of protection!

I see that you and your wife are insistent on condoms and that is great! The truth is, it will only take one interlude ( from one of the group) with one infected person (outside the group) to spread an infection to the entire posse, including yourself and your partner. Conditions such as HPV and Chlamydia are EXTREMELY common and can cause serious complications (including death) especially for women if left untreated and / or undiagnosed. The big trouble with conditions such as these is they often have no or few symptoms and are highly contagious. No amount of wishing or trusting will make them go away!

The good news is that these conditions ARE also very treatable, but require medical intervention and pharmaceuticals, which really can be avoided by taking precautions such as using condoms.

Ideally, if your posse are an honest and tight knit bunch, you can continue to play together in the way you are accustomed, provided you all have regular STI tests. We have excellent sexual health resource teams in major cities across the country. There is absolutely no excuse in this day and age for being blasé about sexual health. Its laziness and just unacceptable!

More info on STIs can be found here

Enjoy and play safe!

Cyndi

September 27, 2012 adult, communication, genitals, health, multiple partners, over 40s, pleasure, Q & A Forum, sex education, shame, teachers, wellbeing Comments Off

Rough Sex Anyone?

Jul 052012

Rough sex, anyone?

My current lover and I have been having quite rough sex. Hair pulling, choking and slapping, etc. I am really enjoying it in the moment but afterwards feel a bit strange about it. He is very loving and respectful generally, but I worry I am betraying my feminist principles by allowing / enjoying these activities. What do you think?

Ivy. Collingwood

Dear Ivy,

Rough sex gets a bad rap sometimes, and often for the wrong reason. Sometimes people assume that rough sex means that one partner is being coerced, and the other partner is being unnecessarily aggressive, or aggressive as a form of genuine punishment, hatred or anger. While this can and does happen in situations where consent is not established, the difference here Ivy, is you are consenting and enjoying it. This is an extremely important distinction.

Pleasure and eroticism come in many forms. Sadly, because human sexuality is not discussed frequently enough or widely enough in a public context, it is often hard to know what other people enjoy and how many people enjoy it. We are often forced to keep our sexuality to ourselves for fear of being shamed or ridiculed for it.

The current surge and interest in rough sex play and kink can be measured by the popularity of books such as 50 Shades of Grey. Regardless of what one thinks of it from a literary perspective, people all over the world are now talking about alternative sex practices more than ever, and in more public ways. To my mind, this is a VERY good thing. Books like this give permission for people to experience alternative forms of sexuality and arousal, and decide for themselves whether or not THEY would like to try them and then whether or not they like them.

While some aspects of rough and kinky sex do carry a degree of danger, the acts you’re describing (aside from the choking) are essentially harmless, as long as you pay attention to your limits and honour them. The dangers with choking are very real and very high, and even the most experienced kink practitioners warn strongly against it. Learn and understand your limits with spanking and hair pulling, communicate them, and stop immediately if it ceases to be fun! its always a good idea to have an agreement with your lover about what your ”stop” word( also known as a safe word) is, so he knows when he hears this word, it really means STOP IMMEDIATELY, and is NOT part of the game. Choose in advance an incongruent word that you both identify as being the STOP word. eg. car keys ( or some other random and un-sex related word).

While feminist principles are a valuable part of being a contemporary woman, so too is your relationship with your sexuality. As a person of any gender, allowing yourself to freely express and enjoy your eroticism is a healthy and fundamental part of being an adult. Depending upon how you perceive your feminist principles in light of sexual pleasure , you may find that the two can very comfortably go hand in hand, because as women, we have fought (and continue the fight) to be allowed to decide what we do with our own bodies, who we share them with and how. Give yourself permission to be all of who you are, sexual, sensual, kinky AND feminist. They do not need to be in conflict with each other.

Listen to your body, notice its responses. This is where you will find the greatest liberation.

July 5, 2012 adult, communication, kink, kink / rough sex, pleasure, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex, sex education, shame, women Comments Off

Painful anal sex

Jun 282012

Painful Anal Sex

I’ve been seeing a really hot guy for a few months now and we’ve totally dived straight into a relationship. I know that we both want it to be a long term thing and I really feel that it will be. We have really great hot sex and are totally compatible. We’re both versatile and he seems to like taking turns at either role as much as I do. The only problem is when he fucks me it often ends up really hurting and I can’t help reacting – which just kills things. Everything is usually fine until just before he comes, when he pushes too deep and hard, which hurts too much and I can’t hide that it does. We’ve talked about it and he’s promised to be more careful, but it still keeps happening. He says he gets carried away and caught up in the moment of wanting to come, and that’s when he thrusts really hard. While I totally understand that he can get carried away during sex, the fact it always ends up hurting means I really don’t like being fucked by him. And its made worse because even when its not hurting I get tense because I keep anticipating the moment when it will. Lately I find that I’ve been trying to avoid letting him fuck me but I know that this can’t last. I really want it to work with this guy, so I’d really appreciate any advice you can give.

Gavin. Melbourne

Dear Gavin,

Your dilemma does sound troubling and not uncommon for people of all genders who are engaging in anal sex. Firstly, it sounds like you have a great relationship with him and this is a fantastic aspect to working with a situation like this. Painful sex is usually caused by the same few things

Not being warmed up enough
Not enough lube
Being tense

You mentioned that even though you have discussed it with him, he gets carried away and forgets your feelings. This would be fine if it didn’t bother you, but it does! First and foremost, you have to explain to him ( again) that this kind of sex is unpleasant and is actually painful for you. As you say, it’s fine until up to the end where it starts to hurt. Explore other ways of helping him cum, as intercourse is not the only form of sex available. You can extend the pleasure if he pulls out and you extend his arousal using your hand or mouth (a safer sex warning here; anal to mouth can have bacterial consequenses for you, so be conscious of the risks involved from ingesting fecal matter. Also if you’re not fluid bonded ( ie; have regular STI tests and know each other’s status) condoms and hand relief are advised).

If you feel the need to work on your capacity as an anal receiver, I suggest you practice slowly. Make sure you’re using enough (LOTS) of lube. There are a lot of great lubes around made especially for anal sex, they are thicker and more viscose than regular lubes. Avoid tensing up by breathing deep into your abdomen and bearing down with the anal muscles. This helps relax the whole area. Alternatively experiment with different positions, as some positions are more painful than others depending upon your internal anatomy. Try lying flat on your stomach, on your back or on your side!

Also never assume that great sex is always just about intercourse, or always about cumming. Rule of thumb though; if any sex hurts too much and in a way that you dont like STOP! It’s your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Never EVER use numbing agents. They stop you from feeling, and that is the LAST thing to do when you’re having sex! Serious damage can occur when you cant feel anything.

Respect your body and it will respect you back.

With Pleasure

Cyndi

June 28, 2012 adult, anal sex, communication, health, men, My Blog, pleasure, practice, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex Comments Off

Sex Education………..why it DOES matter.

Apr 192012

Here is a piece I wrote during my Master’s degree at Uni of Sydney on why comprehensive and age-appropriate sex education is essential. I was absolutely floored to find out that Sex Ed is not compulsory in all Australian schools, and religious schools can be exempt from teaching it on moral grounds. What startles me is that this information is in direct opposition to the terms set out by the World Health Organisation about what constitutes sex education as a basic human right. I wonder how it is justifiable that sex education could or should be denied to anyone in this day and age?

Here in the state of Victoria, sex education is compulsory, but not enforced nor are teachers provided with time or incentives for adequate training. Sex Ed in Australian schools is often taught by the teacher that draws the shortest straw, and while an attempt is being made at addressing the topic on a very rudimentary level, an ineffective, poorly-trained, judgemental or sexually traumatised teacher can potentially create even more problems for students in the long run. This of course is not the teachers’ fault, nor at times even the schools’ , but rather it’s a question of the distribution of resources and the emphasis within both the public and private sector on the importance of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education; who trains the teachers in effective sex ed when there’s barely enough money for basic supplies? In a country as bountiful as Australia, there is absolutely no excuse and this needs to change!

When considering developmental approaches toward comprehensive child / adolescent sex education, a range of factors must be taken into account. Whilst sex education in many nations has traditionally been a contentious issue and riddled with moral judgement, mounting evidence reveals that denying young people access to sex-positive information and ignoring their own learning initiatives does nothing to serve the individuals involved, nor the community at large. Instead, young people should be primed for mature sexual relationships by exploring grassroots sexual health and reproduction information, alongside opportunities to develop social competence, emotional-processing and esteem-building skills. This paper will examine and address a range of sex education frameworks from around the world, and provide a rationale that calls for a holistic, multi-faceted approach to sex education from junior primary to senior high school years. This framework incorporates school-based education teamed with involvement from health and community care professionals and organisations, as well as parents and most importantly, the young people themselves.

According to the W.H.O, sexual health is:

“a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (1)

This definition provides a solid foundation to measure the outcomes of not only good sexual health, but also a functional sex education framework. To support young people’s overall sexual health, graded age-appropriate programs should be implemented, taught and supported in accordance with the values as described by the W.H.O.

According to Massey, (2) sex education begins at birth and continues to be delivered by society, family, peers, experiences and educators throughout life. Hobbie (3) also notes that developing positive attitudes toward sexuality at an early age is essential if children are to grow up feeling good about themselves and in control of their bodies. Yet when young children engage in masturbation and sexual play for pleasure, adults place moral judgment upon this otherwise innocent behaviour.(4) A comparative study of sex education in several developed nations showed that children as young as 5 start asking questions about sex, and within a few years many have already begun to associate talking about sex with shame, fear of being punished or making their parents angry or embarrassed.(5) In contrast, it was noted that Swedish children were an exception and displayed more freedom in their approach to sexual enquiry. (5)This is reflected in a society that had comparatively lower teenage pregnancy and STI rates than most other developed nations across the world, until economic crisis meant cut backs on sex-education in the late 90s and rates of abortion and STIs consequently rose among teens. (6) Although young children’s needs around sexual knowledge differ vastly from those entering puberty, it is evident that children both younger and older need to have open enquiry about sexuality to facilitate their sexual choices and wellbeing.

Bearing this in mind, it is important to consider what some of the fundamental differences were between the way other developed nations approached sex education, and the way it was embraced in Sweden to yield such effective results. The Swedish approach extended beyond school-based programs; embracing sexuality as an essential part of life. Supported by a myriad of community professionals as well as parents, the programs provided a multi-faceted and comprehensive structure that was essentially an extension of Swedish culture. (7) Such a comprehensive sex education program requires not only teachers but parents to be better equipped to deal with children and adolescents’ interests, and be better able to assist when required. (8) Programs must also educate parents and community leaders on how to better assist young people exploring their sexuality. The proven effectiveness of the Swedish sex / health program lends itself toward encouraging Australian health and education developers, as well as parents, to consider Sweden’s holistic treatment of sex education in light of this affirmative data.

In stark contrast, teenage pregnancy and abortion rates are particularly high in certain parts of the USA where in many cases an abstinence-only approach to sex education is used. (9) Visser & van Bilsen note the puritanical approach to sex education in parts of the USA means it is difficult for young people to get access to information and contraception. (9) As a result, young people end up in vulnerable situations with little or no opportunities for recourse, which systematically violates of the principles of healthy human sexuality as outlined by the W.H.O.

A holistic view of sexuality understands that sex does not exist outside of one’s life but is part of one’s life. To better understand the complexity of the lives of young people, the impact of relationships, media, pop culture and the internet and their effect on sexuality cannot be ignored. Broader aspects of successful sex education programs around the world look not only at the fundamentals of basic physical sexual health covering details about STIs, how they’re spread and best methods for effective protection and contraception, but also comprehensive understanding about navigating human relationships (7), as well as the social and emotional aspects of sex.(10) Kirby extends this rationale to include awareness of socio-cultural factors influencing students’ self-esteem and ability to make smart and informed choices. (11) Many Australian secondary schools already employ programs that deal with sexual health and contraception. More are embarking upon education and support programs for students exploring same-sex attraction, whilst new research advocates additional programs that explore the broader social construct of gender and transgender education programs, (12) and recognition of family diversity, (13) all of which complement the W.H.O definition.

Further to this, it is important not to ignore the more confronting needs of young people by sticking only to safe prescribed topics.(2)Recent studies in Sweden revealed that 91% of boys and 57% of girls between the ages of 15-18 have seen pornographic films, and had mixed feelings about both the content and its effect on their sexuality.(14) By working with this trend (resisting moral judgement and seeing it as an opportunity for discussion and learning) rather than against it, (by moralising, similar to an ineffective abstinence-only focus,) programs and educators can widen the scope for educational opportunities to include addressing and processing uncomfortable emotions; both of which help develop communication skills that have significant bearing on healthy sexual function.

Evidence suggests that it is neither the source of information nor the methodology used to teach that has the greatest impact, but rather a multi-faceted approach to both content and process that yields the best results in terms of adolescents’ life decisions and wellbeing.(8) The effectiveness of sex education programs have consistently shown that a single-pronged approach to sex education is limited and less effective, especially if sex cannot be explored outside of school.(9) Furthermore, sex education programs in the USA have shown successful learning outcomes are achieved when they include a combination of clear messages around health, individual health clinic appointments, community-service learning programs (work experience / field trips) and longer-term life management programs.(15) (Emotional processing and communication skills)

Sex education is not something that should be endured, but rather something to be explored. The extent to which Australia embraces the values of the W.H.O definition of sexual health will determine the extent to which our young people will receive the best possible education regarding their sexuality. By accepting that healthy sexuality is a basic human right, and not something reserved for only a privileged few, we can confidently utilise proven approaches to work toward developing educational frameworks that are both relevant and effective.

References

1 World Health Organisation. World Health Organisation International. 2010. http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/gender_rights/sexual_health/en/

(accessed November 16, 2010)

2 Massey, D.E. School Sex Education: Knitting without a pattern? Health Education Journal. Volume 49. No 3, 1990. 134-142

3 Hobbie, C. Sex education for children and adolescents. Journal of Pediatric Health Care. Patient Education Review. ( St Paul Children’s Hospital) Minnesota. (no date provided)

4 Kang, M. Age of Consent laws: Puritan notions of right and wrong. On Line Opinion, 2005.1-3

5 Goldman, R.J , & Goldman, J.D.G. Sources of Sex Information for Australian, English, North American and Swedish Children. The Journal of Psychology, 1981: 97-108.

6 Edgardh, K. Adolescent sexual health in Sweden. Sexually Transmitted Infections. 78, 2002: 352-356

7 Pettersson, G. Why are you all so interested in sex? New Statesman, June 2004: 27-28

8 Somers, C. L. & Gleason, J.H. Does source of sex education predict adolescents’ sexual knowledge, attitudes and behaviours? Education ( Summer) 121 ; 4, 2001: 674-681

9 Visser, P. A. & van Bilsen, P. The effectiveness of sex education provided to adolescents. Patient Education and Counselling 23, 1994: 147-160

10 Blakely, V. & Frankland, J. Sex Education for Parents.Health Education, 1996: 9-13.

11 Kirby, D. The impact of schools and school programs upon adolescent sexual behavior. The Journal of Sex Research. 39: 1 February 2002. 27-33

12 Berkowitz, D. & Manohar, N.N. & Tinkler, J.E. Walk Like a Man, Talk Like a Woman. Sage Journals Online. 03 May 2010. http://tso.sagepub.com.ezproxy1.library.usyd.edu.au/content/38/2/132.full.pdf+html

(accessed November 16, 2010)

13 Biblarz , T.J. &Evren, S. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Families. Journal of Marriage and family. Volume 72. Issue 3, 2010: 480-497

14 Johanssen, T, &Hammaren, N. Hegemonic Masculinity and Pornography: Young people’s attitudes toward and relations toward pornography. Journal of Men’s Studies, Winter, 15:1, 2007: 57-70

15 Kirby, D. Effective approaches to reducing adolescent unprotected sex, pregnancy, and childbearing. The Journal of Sex Research . February 2002. 51-57

April 19, 2012 adult, health, kids, My Blog, parents, practice, sex, sex education, teachers, teens, wellbeing Comments Off

Pondering Shame

Feb 252012

Recently I have been considering the notion of shame, and the role that it plays in the sex lives of all of us. Shame, as distinct from embarrassment or guilt, comes initially from an external force that tells us we are bad or wrong because of something that we do, say or like. This force could be family, school or most often religious institutions and even the media, that presents sanitised and uninformed images of ‘normal’ sexuality. Yet, given the amount of shame surrounding our sexuality, does anyone REALLY have any idea what ‘normal sexuality’ even is? And how has it come to pass that such institutions as schools, religious organisations and the all powerful media have any capacity to even determine what normality is, when the complexity and diversity of sexuality is rarely acknowledged, or discussed in public without a veil of shame or fear surrounding it? Sex and sexuality often end up in the too hard basket. This hardly seems fair, unbiased or even humane to me.

Many of us encounter shame for the first time as children. If we were ‘’caught’’ masturbating, or self-pleasuring in anyway, we may have been chastised, told-off or somehow made to feel inadequate and perhaps even damaged in some way for our behaviour or desire. We learn from a young age, that THAT kind of pleasure is not acceptable. So we learn to keep it inside.

Silent.

The desire never goes away.

It just eats away at us. Our guilty little secret.

Silenced.

Yet we are expected to lead fulfilling sex lives and intimate relationships that maintain a sanitised level of morality, because THAT of course, is NORMAL. So, who exactly expects this of us? Often, WE DO! We are our own worst nightmare and Chief Commissioner of our very own fun police!

Let’s see this in more detail.

Once we leave school or our families of origin, we’re free! We’re free to make our own decisions and live our lives as we see fit. The shame that was once put upon has lifted and we’re open to the world. Right? Well, maybe…………………. but maybe not.

How many of us can say that we are able to freely engage in all of our genuine desires without a degree of shame?
How many of us are terrified that if our lovers knew this about me, they’d leave me for sure?
How many of us have been coerced into doing things we may not have wanted to do for fear of being abandoned, yet not being able to talk about it?
How many of us have wanted to engage in something new or different from the regular routine but been too terrified to ask for it?
How many of us feel our body is not good enough?

Part of living in the West means having encountered some or all of these kinds of aspects of shame. You are not alone.

BUT, even though you may have escaped the school, church or family that taught you that you were not worthy, many of us find it hard to let go of this profound and at times impermeable conditioning. Our internal all-knowing, all-judging harsh moral arbitrator determines what’s allowed and what’s forbidden. We keep ourselves in a perpetual state of self- shame by remaining silent about our innermost desires, fears or passions and believing that if we were to share that side of ourselves, we would be inherently, permanently unloveable.

So, what to do about this?

The process of dismantling shame can come in many forms.

Friends, lovers, therapists, support groups, art, comedy, books, workshops, seminars are all fabulous ways of beginning to dismantle the shame walls that may exist around you. The more you begin to explore, the more chance you have of finding that there are many, many, many others who feel similarly to you. I’d even take an educated stab and say, MOST of the population.

Sanitised morality is a fabricated construction. It is NOT normal, and it is not controlled by you. Only YOU are in control of your sexuality and pleasure, and it is your right AND your responsibility to take care of your well-being.

If you haven’t already, I enthusiastically encourage you take the first step on the journey to a more fulfilled you today. You could start by contacting me for a private session, or explore any of the links on my LINKs page to find some Melbourne resources to get you underway.

You may find that it will actually change your life, forever.

February 25, 2012 adult, anxiety, intimacy, men, My Blog, pleasure, sex, sex education, shame, Uncategorized, women Comments Off

First 24 Hours

Feb 102012

Hello again,

In news just in, our PODCAST had over 1800 hits overnight!

What a fabulous effort pleasure enthusiasts!

February 10, 2012 adult, genitals, intimacy, men, My Blog, pleasure, podcast, practice, sex, sex education, women Comments Off

New Podcast Released

Jan 132012

Wow. What an exhilarating day! Talk about PLEASURE overload.

Pleasure of course can be sourced from a squillion locations both internally and externally, and today mine came in the form of the GLORIOUS Catherine Deveny AND everyone of you who popped by my site and followed me on Facebook and Twitter leaving your comments of praise and encouragement!

By 7pm this evening, our podcast on vaginas and some of their workings had had over 1000 hits which really screams that there are a whole lotta folk TRULY interested in genuine, intelligent conversations about sex and sexuality and its function in our lives.

I am just thrilled at the response from the listeners. I love your comments and your questions. Keep ‘em coming.

With pleasure

Cyndi

January 13, 2012 adult, genitals, My Blog, pleasure, podcast, practice, sex, sex education, women Comments Off