I dont like sex. What’s wrong with me?

Mar 192013

Hi,

I don’t like sex. I would like to want to have to have sex but as soon as I start I can’t think about anything else but stopping. I am not in a relationship but have dated a few guys in the last year. Friends just say I haven’t met the right guy but if I think of my history there was only ever one guy I enjoyed sex with. A guy has never made me orgasim and I can only make myself using a vibrator (which I do enjoy). I feel confused and lonely by this because society is so sexually focused. What should I do?

Mish

Dear Mish,

This is a very intricate situation you are in here, and interestingly you are not alone.

Sex for you appears to be fraught with conflicting feelings. You don’t like it, but you’d like to like it, You can’t come with others, but you can come( and enjoy it) by yourself. You’ve only ever enjoyed sex with one partner and your friends are telling you ‘’you haven’t met the right guy yet’’. Yes, you’re right. Society is OBSESSED with sex, and often mediocre sex at that. It is lonely and it is confusing.

The social obsession with sex is reflective of the levels of cultural repression and disdain there is for sex and sexuality across the board. I have often wondered if we in Australia invested as much time, money and energy into exploring and teaching sexuality as we did on say sport, how different the cultural landscape of Australia would be?

In many parts of Australia, UK and the USA, sex is still very much a taboo topic, while among more progressive thinkers sex can be referred to as ‘’just sex, it’s no big deal’’! My position is that a multi-million dollar online sex industry tells me It IS a big deal! It’s a REALLY big deal, it’s just been funnelled into very compartmentalised ways of accessing it; all hidden and all tainted with shame. People are FASCINATED by sex but have few avenues to get information! Whether you sit at either end of the sex / taboo binary or somewhere in the middle, sex is rarely seen for beauty that it is, the source of connection to the Self and an unlimited tool for pleasure.

While there is so much pressure for people to be partnered or at other extremes totally open, we leave ourselves few models for understanding the texture of sex and relationships. Developing a sense of connection to your erotic self can be a pathway to self discovery and connection, but when that pathway bears the distraction of cultural conventions, what could be a pursuit of pleasure for its own sake, becomes a source of anxiety and shame. Without a relationship to one’s own sexuality, it can be quite a difficult ( but not impossible ) path to greater erotic intelligence.

There is a small percentage of the global population who report no or very little interest in (partnered) sex. The current statistics suggest around 1% of the population feel that the descriptors of asexuality are applicable to them. Without a thorough consultation it is hard to know if this is a label you feel applies to you, but you are not alone in feeling disconnected from sex or the desire to do it.

There are a few factors here though that can help you work through this.

Firstly, ask yourself why you have sex? This seems an unusual question to many, but it can often be one of the greatest indicators into a conversation with ourselves about sex. Examining our motives for exploring sex can really help us better understand our needs.

Secondly, consider the people who are in your life (friends and lovers). How would you describe the connections you have with them? Having dated a few guys in the last year and not liked them doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you, nor them. It could well be a reflection of a culture that does not give itself the permission to allow pleasure to be at its core. How on Earth are we expected to know what great sex can be when we live in a society that doesn’t prioritise it?

Thirdly, you can consider how YOU prioritise sex and give yourself permission to think outside the square when it comes to exploring your eroticism. Read widely and attend workshops and seminars on different topics about sex and sexuality or find a sex coach to work with you for a more personalised approach.

Good Luck

Cyndi

March 19, 2013 anxiety, feelings / emotions, intimacy, My Blog, pleasure, practice, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex, sex education, shame, wellbeing Comments Off

How do I talk to my kid about porn?

Jan 142013

Dear Cyndi

I recently found out my 12 year old son has watched porn and I don’t know what to do about it. I know I can’t stop him but I just don’t know what to say or where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

John

Dear John,

In this contemporary climate, the instances of young people seeing porn are frequent. Porn in and of itself is not inherently a problem, (one’s own moral compass may deem this to be otherwise) but rather it’s our relationship and responses to porn consumption that can cause damage and affect both parents and children.

Porn is intended to be an adult medium. It is made for adults, by adults, and ideally not to be viewed by minors. However, with more and more youngsters accessing online porn (and for the purposes of this discussion, mainstream porn) the ”head in the sand” attitude can no longer be applied. Their curiousity suggests that they are becoming aware of sexuality and this presents a wonderful opportunity to be able to discuss not only the birds and the bees, but also human relationships. The onus is on the parents and care-takers to help young people process what they’re seeing, rather than relegating it to the ”too hard” basket. Banning porn or banning porn discussions can only exacerbate the problem. We know from history that prohibition doesn’t work and only drives desires and curiosity underground. So what to do if your child is watching porn?

Start by asking them how they felt about what they saw. Learning to process feelings is a life skill and they are never too young to learn to process emotions. Processing emotions involves a few key steps:

Name what you’re feeling. Being able to name an emotion makes it more manageable and less intimidating. Some common emotions might be, confused, excited, scared, disgusted, intimidated, intrigued or weird. If it’s too difficult to name an emotion, try identifying a sensation: butterflies, tingling, hot, nervous, maybe even aroused. Sometimes sensation is the body’s way of communicating a feeling that language has no name for.
At times feelings are unpleasant or uncomfortable. That’s ok. When we panic in response to discomfort, that is when problems / miscommunications can arise. Focus on staying calm and acknowledge the emotion, allowing it to be present, no matter how awkward. Bear in mind that emotions always pass. Always.

2. Monitor your own response: Kids (like adults) respond to a variety of communicative cues, so while language is important, tone conveys emotion, especially judgement and anxiety. If you have reservations and judgements about your child’s behaviour, they’re going to be sensitive to that and notice any panic and judgement in your voice. No one likes to be judged or be the source of someone’s anxiety, kids are no different. Be mindful of your state of mind before you talk to them as it could do more harm than good if you have not processed your OWN emotions around porn. (see step 1)

3. Encourage a dialogue and not a monologue. By being part of the conversation, people (including kids) feel more included in what’s going on. Guidance is the key, not judging! You’ll get a much better response when your child feels included and valued.

4. Depending upon the direction your conversation takes or the maturity level of your child, you might want to explore a variety of topics of dialogue including:

the ‘action movie’ nature of some porn (i.e some porn stars are stunt people, professionals in their craft and not everyone can do or wants to do what they do; just like in action movies).
what is omitted from a lot of porn (unlike real life) such as the negotiation, the consent and the relationship between the performers.
a lot of mainstream porn portrays very stereotypical gender roles which do not always fit across the board. Not all men want to be givers / doers / active and not all women want to be receivers / recipients / receptive.
lots of different body types and colours are beautiful / sexy / attractive
a lot of mainstream porn does not always acknowledge / show women’s pleasure.
Porn is fun, but it’s not a substitute for sex with another person whose company you enjoy.

Young people stumbling across and watching occasional porn is a normal part of exploring a burgeoning sexual curiosity. Despite the ease of access these days, kids have been finding Dad’s Playboy stash in the garage for years! While the nature of what the kids are seeing has changed ( and certainly requires processing for minds that are not ready to comprehend it yet) their curiousity has not. Your child is not damaged or set on a path of destruction if you find them showing a little interest in porn. By modelling a healthy relationship with sex and sexuality at home and allowing honest and respectful discussions about what they saw and how they felt, your child will feel more inclined to discuss their feelings with you. You’ll be in a much better position to keep tabs on what they’re up to if they trust you with the truth.

January 14, 2013 anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, kids, men, parents, pleasure, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex education, teachers, teens, wellbeing, women Comments Off

Can I get a sexually transmitted infection? I’m married!

Sep 272012

Dear Cyndi

I view the use of condoms as a necessary evil, but I have been wondering recently whether the fear I have of contracting an STI is far higher than the actual risk. All the statistics that I can access relate to specific high risk segments of the population, and I view myself in about as low a risk category as I can imagine: middle aged, middle class, long term married, straight, non-drug user, Caucasian. When my wife and I play with others in the same category, is our insistence on the use of condoms actually ridiculous ?

Keith

Dear Keith,

This is indeed an excellent question, and one which does truly deserve a lengthy answer. The short answer re: using condoms with non fluid bonded ( i.e non-monogamous / tested / 100% aware of health status) type partners is YES YOU SHOULD!

Why? Here we go.

While you and your wife are aware of your STI status ( i.e I assume you have STI tests every few months or so depending upon the frequency with which you have multiple partners, as this is the ONLY way to be sure of your status) your play partners may not. Do you discuss this with them? Are they willing to discuss their sexual health with you? If not, why not? is my next question. Being middle class etc does not make you immune. If anything , certain infections ( HPV (warts) & Chlamydia) are rife among the over 40s heterosexuals as after years of marriage or monogamy, many are out on the dating scene again and have forgotten (or never learned) the safer sex info they (should have) got as teens. Being middle aged does not give you a ring of protection!

I see that you and your wife are insistent on condoms and that is great! The truth is, it will only take one interlude ( from one of the group) with one infected person (outside the group) to spread an infection to the entire posse, including yourself and your partner. Conditions such as HPV and Chlamydia are EXTREMELY common and can cause serious complications (including death) especially for women if left untreated and / or undiagnosed. The big trouble with conditions such as these is they often have no or few symptoms and are highly contagious. No amount of wishing or trusting will make them go away!

The good news is that these conditions ARE also very treatable, but require medical intervention and pharmaceuticals, which really can be avoided by taking precautions such as using condoms.

Ideally, if your posse are an honest and tight knit bunch, you can continue to play together in the way you are accustomed, provided you all have regular STI tests. We have excellent sexual health resource teams in major cities across the country. There is absolutely no excuse in this day and age for being blasé about sexual health. Its laziness and just unacceptable!

More info on STIs can be found here

Enjoy and play safe!

Cyndi

September 27, 2012 adult, communication, genitals, health, multiple partners, over 40s, pleasure, Q & A Forum, sex education, shame, teachers, wellbeing Comments Off

Sex Just Feels Too Difficult!

Aug 272012

Sex Just Feels Too Difficult!

I have chronic pain and a host of other medical issues that have meant I’m now on disability, possibly permanently. The medication for it leaves me chronically exhausted but I still crave sex. I haven’t been active for 12 years, and I’ve had a few offers from women overseas, but even if I could go over there and not end up with my pension cut, I worry about my lack of performance. I might not be able to have an erection, let alone orgasm. While overseas offers have the advantage of being hypothetical, the fact is my life would be better with someone in it, and I miss sexual interaction. What can I do to compensate for having a disabled body? Would a woman tolerate that sort of limitation?

Women seem very demanding sexually now, and to an extent I have to admit to finding it all too difficult and wishing I could just have a sexbot! I was reading the other day that on average it took 20 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm, and more with aging , and I just felt like it was all a bit pointless.

Should I just give up?

Dave

Dear Dave,

Your situation sounds extremely frustrating on a variety of levels. From your letter it sounds very much like you’re not only craving sex, you’re also craving intimacy and connection; a partnership.

It seems you’re not meeting women locally, or especially the kind of women you might like to meet. You are not alone there. There are many people, abled, and not, of all genders who struggle to find companions for life, sex and intimacy. Our culture is very ‘couple’ oriented, and this can leave those of us ‘un-partnered’ feeling somehow, out of sorts. The truth is, finding a life partner and creating and sustaining a long term relationship requires more than just having an abled body, it’s also about being willing to be vulnerable, compromise, communicate and take initiative when required.

I cannot speak for all women when you ask “Would a woman tolerate that sort of limitation?”, but my hunch is you’re after a woman who will do more than just tolerate you? A partner who is attracted to the other things you offer would certainly be capable of a whole lot more than just ‘tolerating’ you, provided your connection and communication in other areas was fulfilling for the both of you also.

This leads me to encourage you to focus on what you do have to offer rather than just on your short comings. Your fears about performance anxiety, while relevant, are extremely common among both abled and disabled bodies alike. Not everyone is a sex machine all the time! Everyone has days of feeling concerned about their performance, but when this prevents you from actually being able to connect with another person, I would encourage you to seek out the services of a counsellor (either myself; face-to-face, via Skype, or someone in your area) to talk through your anxiety issues and your expectations of yourself and women in relationships.

You admit that you do find it all too difficult and would prefer to have a sexbot. Your sexbot idea is in fact also a solution (and a valid one at that), but I wonder how satisfying that will be for you given your desire for a relationship and a connection. Whether it takes a woman 20 minutes to orgasm or whether at all, ideally would have little bearing on your motivations for sex if you are in fact looking for a genuine connection. There are a huge variety of fabulous sex toys etc on the market these days to enhance women’s pleasure, and assist in times of ”sex fatigue”. I wonder if your ‘pointless’ feeling is more psychological / emotional than physical?

You may also like to consider some of the services offered by the good people at Touching Base to have face-to-face conversations about your concerns regarding your sexuality and your chronic pain management / disabilty.

Cyndi

August 27, 2012 anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, health, intimacy, men, My Blog, pleasure, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex, sex education, wellbeing Comments Off

Overcoming online dating fears

Aug 032012

Overcoming Online Dating Fears

Dear Cyndi,

I love flirting on online dating sites but as soon as it comes to meeting up with people I freak out and stop contact. I’m terrified of meeting people in person. Do you have any tips for how I can overcome this?

Greg. Northcote

Dear Greg,

What you’re describing is a common phenomenon in this age of internet dating. As we know it’s easy to create a fabulous persona behind a computer screen where we can create a fantasy of the kind of person we would like to be. This of course fills a great void for many people, but the problem lies in becoming attached to the idea of being someone’s fantasy figure, or beyond that, your own fantasy figure. All of this is profoundly unfulfilling for everyone concerned in a long –term capacity.

First of all, ask yourself what you are terrified of. If you are afraid of being rejected or of them not liking you, that is a very real possibility that everyone has to face from time to time. You are not alone there. You might not like them either! Not everyone likes everyone else. Chalk that one up to acceptance. If you are afraid of the fantasy ending………………………then don’t meet them! But accept that you’re really denying yourself a terrific opportunity for fun and companionship. (Do the honourable thing and let them know you have no desire to meet. It’s never OK to hurt someone else’s feelings because you’re too consumed with your own.)

Next, don’t let the online interactions go on too long before meeting. It’s very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of who you’re talking to, and start creating an image in your head of who this person might be as opposed to who they are. This can lead to you feeling overly intimidated which can be disappointing when you do finally meet.

Also, be realistic. Online dating is really hit and miss. Some people will be genuinely looking for love / sex / companionship, and others will be just playing around. Some will be truly great people and others will be mediocre or at worst, liars. The supermodel / entrepreneur / enigmatic artist at the other end of the chat room might not be as fabulous as they appear to be online!

Finally remember that blind dates are notoriously nerve wracking, and for some its part of the fun. Your date will most likely be feeling nervous too. Give yourself permission to be nervous, and state it! “I’m feeling a little nervous right now” is enough. This statement of fact can diffuse the nerves more than trying to fight them, and allows your date the permission to do the same! This is a much better way to start a date than under false pretences or getting too drunk just to hide the nerves.

Letting fear hold you back denies you the opportunity to develop these skills and meet some wonderful people who you may never otherwise meet. Take a few deep breaths and enjoy the ride.

August 3, 2012 anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, intimacy, My Blog, online dating, Q & A Forum, relationships, shame Comments Off

Rough Sex Anyone?

Jul 052012

Rough sex, anyone?

My current lover and I have been having quite rough sex. Hair pulling, choking and slapping, etc. I am really enjoying it in the moment but afterwards feel a bit strange about it. He is very loving and respectful generally, but I worry I am betraying my feminist principles by allowing / enjoying these activities. What do you think?

Ivy. Collingwood

Dear Ivy,

Rough sex gets a bad rap sometimes, and often for the wrong reason. Sometimes people assume that rough sex means that one partner is being coerced, and the other partner is being unnecessarily aggressive, or aggressive as a form of genuine punishment, hatred or anger. While this can and does happen in situations where consent is not established, the difference here Ivy, is you are consenting and enjoying it. This is an extremely important distinction.

Pleasure and eroticism come in many forms. Sadly, because human sexuality is not discussed frequently enough or widely enough in a public context, it is often hard to know what other people enjoy and how many people enjoy it. We are often forced to keep our sexuality to ourselves for fear of being shamed or ridiculed for it.

The current surge and interest in rough sex play and kink can be measured by the popularity of books such as 50 Shades of Grey. Regardless of what one thinks of it from a literary perspective, people all over the world are now talking about alternative sex practices more than ever, and in more public ways. To my mind, this is a VERY good thing. Books like this give permission for people to experience alternative forms of sexuality and arousal, and decide for themselves whether or not THEY would like to try them and then whether or not they like them.

While some aspects of rough and kinky sex do carry a degree of danger, the acts you’re describing (aside from the choking) are essentially harmless, as long as you pay attention to your limits and honour them. The dangers with choking are very real and very high, and even the most experienced kink practitioners warn strongly against it. Learn and understand your limits with spanking and hair pulling, communicate them, and stop immediately if it ceases to be fun! its always a good idea to have an agreement with your lover about what your ”stop” word( also known as a safe word) is, so he knows when he hears this word, it really means STOP IMMEDIATELY, and is NOT part of the game. Choose in advance an incongruent word that you both identify as being the STOP word. eg. car keys ( or some other random and un-sex related word).

While feminist principles are a valuable part of being a contemporary woman, so too is your relationship with your sexuality. As a person of any gender, allowing yourself to freely express and enjoy your eroticism is a healthy and fundamental part of being an adult. Depending upon how you perceive your feminist principles in light of sexual pleasure , you may find that the two can very comfortably go hand in hand, because as women, we have fought (and continue the fight) to be allowed to decide what we do with our own bodies, who we share them with and how. Give yourself permission to be all of who you are, sexual, sensual, kinky AND feminist. They do not need to be in conflict with each other.

Listen to your body, notice its responses. This is where you will find the greatest liberation.

July 5, 2012 adult, communication, kink, kink / rough sex, pleasure, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex, sex education, shame, women Comments Off

Painful anal sex

Jun 282012

Painful Anal Sex

I’ve been seeing a really hot guy for a few months now and we’ve totally dived straight into a relationship. I know that we both want it to be a long term thing and I really feel that it will be. We have really great hot sex and are totally compatible. We’re both versatile and he seems to like taking turns at either role as much as I do. The only problem is when he fucks me it often ends up really hurting and I can’t help reacting – which just kills things. Everything is usually fine until just before he comes, when he pushes too deep and hard, which hurts too much and I can’t hide that it does. We’ve talked about it and he’s promised to be more careful, but it still keeps happening. He says he gets carried away and caught up in the moment of wanting to come, and that’s when he thrusts really hard. While I totally understand that he can get carried away during sex, the fact it always ends up hurting means I really don’t like being fucked by him. And its made worse because even when its not hurting I get tense because I keep anticipating the moment when it will. Lately I find that I’ve been trying to avoid letting him fuck me but I know that this can’t last. I really want it to work with this guy, so I’d really appreciate any advice you can give.

Gavin. Melbourne

Dear Gavin,

Your dilemma does sound troubling and not uncommon for people of all genders who are engaging in anal sex. Firstly, it sounds like you have a great relationship with him and this is a fantastic aspect to working with a situation like this. Painful sex is usually caused by the same few things

Not being warmed up enough
Not enough lube
Being tense

You mentioned that even though you have discussed it with him, he gets carried away and forgets your feelings. This would be fine if it didn’t bother you, but it does! First and foremost, you have to explain to him ( again) that this kind of sex is unpleasant and is actually painful for you. As you say, it’s fine until up to the end where it starts to hurt. Explore other ways of helping him cum, as intercourse is not the only form of sex available. You can extend the pleasure if he pulls out and you extend his arousal using your hand or mouth (a safer sex warning here; anal to mouth can have bacterial consequenses for you, so be conscious of the risks involved from ingesting fecal matter. Also if you’re not fluid bonded ( ie; have regular STI tests and know each other’s status) condoms and hand relief are advised).

If you feel the need to work on your capacity as an anal receiver, I suggest you practice slowly. Make sure you’re using enough (LOTS) of lube. There are a lot of great lubes around made especially for anal sex, they are thicker and more viscose than regular lubes. Avoid tensing up by breathing deep into your abdomen and bearing down with the anal muscles. This helps relax the whole area. Alternatively experiment with different positions, as some positions are more painful than others depending upon your internal anatomy. Try lying flat on your stomach, on your back or on your side!

Also never assume that great sex is always just about intercourse, or always about cumming. Rule of thumb though; if any sex hurts too much and in a way that you dont like STOP! It’s your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Never EVER use numbing agents. They stop you from feeling, and that is the LAST thing to do when you’re having sex! Serious damage can occur when you cant feel anything.

Respect your body and it will respect you back.

With Pleasure

Cyndi

June 28, 2012 adult, anal sex, communication, health, men, My Blog, pleasure, practice, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex Comments Off