I don’t like sex. I would like to want to have to have sex but as soon as I start I can’t think about anything else but stopping. I am not in a relationship but have dated a few guys in the last year. Friends just say I haven’t met the right guy but if I think of my history there was only ever one guy I enjoyed sex with. A guy has never made me orgasim and I can only make myself using a vibrator (which I do enjoy). I feel confused and lonely by this because society is so sexually focused. What should I do?
This is a very intricate situation you are in here, and interestingly you are not alone.
Sex for you appears to be fraught with conflicting feelings. You don’t like it, but you’d like to like it, You can’t come with others, but you can come( and enjoy it) by yourself. You’ve only ever enjoyed sex with one partner and your friends are telling you ‘’you haven’t met the right guy yet’’. Yes, you’re right. Society is OBSESSED with sex, and often mediocre sex at that. It is lonely and it is confusing.
The social obsession with sex is reflective of the levels of cultural repression and disdain there is for sex and sexuality across the board. I have often wondered if we in Australia invested as much time, money and energy into exploring and teaching sexuality as we did on say sport, how different the cultural landscape of Australia would be?
In many parts of Australia, UK and the USA, sex is still very much a taboo topic, while among more progressive thinkers sex can be referred to as ‘’just sex, it’s no big deal’’! My position is that a multi-million dollar online sex industry tells me It IS a big deal! It’s a REALLY big deal, it’s just been funnelled into very compartmentalised ways of accessing it; all hidden and all tainted with shame. People are FASCINATED by sex but have few avenues to get information! Whether you sit at either end of the sex / taboo binary or somewhere in the middle, sex is rarely seen for beauty that it is, the source of connection to the Self and an unlimited tool for pleasure.
While there is so much pressure for people to be partnered or at other extremes totally open, we leave ourselves few models for understanding the texture of sex and relationships. Developing a sense of connection to your erotic self can be a pathway to self discovery and connection, but when that pathway bears the distraction of cultural conventions, what could be a pursuit of pleasure for its own sake, becomes a source of anxiety and shame. Without a relationship to one’s own sexuality, it can be quite a difficult ( but not impossible ) path to greater erotic intelligence.
There is a small percentage of the global population who report no or very little interest in (partnered) sex. The current statistics suggest around 1% of the population feel that the descriptors of asexuality are applicable to them. Without a thorough consultation it is hard to know if this is a label you feel applies to you, but you are not alone in feeling disconnected from sex or the desire to do it.
- There are a few factors here though that can help you work through this.
Firstly, ask yourself why you have sex? This seems an unusual question to many, but it can often be one of the greatest indicators into a conversation with ourselves about sex. Examining our motives for exploring sex can really help us better understand our needs.
Secondly, consider the people who are in your life (friends and lovers). How would you describe the connections you have with them? Having dated a few guys in the last year and not liked them doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you, nor them. It could well be a reflection of a culture that does not give itself the permission to allow pleasure to be at its core. How on Earth are we expected to know what great sex can be when we live in a society that doesn’t prioritise it?
Thirdly, you can consider how YOU prioritise sex and give yourself permission to think outside the square when it comes to exploring your eroticism. Read widely and attend workshops and seminars on different topics about sex and sexuality or find a sex coach to work with you for a more personalised approach.