The reasons so many people have sex lives that underwhelm them is not because they’re doing it wrong, but because of the way they understand sex to be. My latest contribution to MindBodyGreen.
I am married, age 47, to date have not been able give my wife a single orgasm. Is there a single act where this can be achieved?
Thanks for your question. I often hear stories from men in my practice, about their inability, or at least a perceived inability to be able to pleasure their female lovers. There are potentially a range of reasons why this could be happening, not least of all some misinformation when it comes to sex.
For many people, especially women and their partners, sex can be rather nuanced and confusing. A lot of women feel shame about their bodies due to the way they are told their bodies work or the way they feel about them. This happens for a variety of reasons and is very common and rather distressing for everyone involved. Men too feel confused by women’s bodies. Men are told that women are confusing, simply because they are different to men in the way they express their eroticism. In many cases this can all be addressed by slowing sex down and paying more attention to her responses, especially when you’re touching her in ways that please her.
From your letter, it’s hard to know what you have tried, but in terms of ‘single acts’ that create orgasm for women, most commonly orgasm is experienced clitorally.
The clitoris is the most innervated part of any human body. A clitoris is, therefore, even more sensitive than a penis. However, if your wife feels uncomfortable being touched or stimulated, no amount of sensitivity is going to feel good if she is not willing or engaged in the process.
One of the other things I notice from your letter is the idea of ‘giving‘ and ‘achieving’ orgasm. While it can feel nice to give to our lovers and help them feel good, sometimes such ideas can put a lot of pressure on both parties – as if sex is more like an exam where outcomes are mandatory, rather than something pleasurable and delicious for its own sake. Instead shift your attention to feeling good, rather than forcing outcomes. You might find that you are both able to relax into the experience more.
So, for the purpose of information, let’s assume that your wife is as perplexed by this as you are, AND that she is willing and enthusiastic about the process of discovering her orgasmic potential. Here are some things I suggest you try together to see if things can change a little (or a lot).
- Tantric and Taoist perspectives on sex tell us that men are like fire and women are like water. What this means is that men are quick to get hot but also quick to extinguish, whereas women take longer to heat up, but once hot, can simmer and boil for hours. Now this is not to say there are never variations on this, of course there are, but I wonder if your wife fits the description of water here? If so, take a more holistic approach to setting up the fire to get her waters simmering.
- Time. Create an environment where she knows she has time to focus and relax. Remove all distractions and responsibilities, including work, children, TV and any daily errands. Check in advance to see how you can support her to make sure these things are done so she can focus for an hour or two (or a whole weekend) just on herself. By supporting her in knowing she has time to just switch off, you are building the fire to help her begin enjoying sex. Any chance of being rushed, distracted or disturbed can be off-putting for her, so making sure you have all these bases covered shows her you’re sensitive to her and helps you build an environment into which she can retreat deeply.
- Put your attention on HER and her needs, not on trying to make her have an orgasm as a performance to affirm either of you. For a lot of women, orgasm alone is not enough when there is no deeper connection or intention behind it. Although pleasant, it sometimes leaves them feeling ‘meh’ – especially if they feel they have to perform for you. Instead, start by touching her whole body with long firm strokes. We want to get the blood moving inside her body. If she is laying stiff and not responsive, it’s going to be hard to get any kind of ignition happening within her. By using long firm strokes over her whole body and inviting her to breathe and relax, you are letting her know she has all the time in the world to enjoy the sensations you are offering.
- Experiment with different erogenous zones on her body including, neck, shoulders, scalp, ears, belly, inner thighs, inner arms, back, buttocks and feet. See which she prefers and experiment with speed and pressure. Light feathery touch can feel nice sometimes but annoying at others. Invite her to provide feedback to your strokes to get a sense of the maps of her body. Then follow them.
- When she indicates that she is ready to receive more genitally, start slowly and seduce her into inviting more speed and pressure. I also suggest you use a quality silicone lubricant or saliva as dry fingers on a dry pussy don’t feel great. It’s definitely worth spending the extra money on a quality lubricant and not just the sticky, goopy, sweet stuff from the supermarket. Ask her how she likes to be touched or ask her to show you. Keep your focus on the vulva (inner and outer lips and clitoris – rather than the vagina – a.k.a. inside). The reason for this is that if you are both interested in helping her orgasm, staying focussed on stimulating the outer areas is a great way to start. For many women, a clitoral orgasm doesn’t even need any kind of vaginal penetration, unless she wants and likes it. Never assume that she wants or needs vaginal stimulation without her indicating so – especially if you’re making the session all about her needs.
- By focusing on the vulva and clitoris and using your mouth, tongue and fingers, and encouraging her to relax and enjoy – you could help her relax into the orgasmic experience you’re (both) seeking. You may also find that using a powerful mains-powered external vibrator on her clitoris can help this process. By bringing toys into your lovemaking, you allow space for her to really open up sexually and it takes the pressure off you to be the sole provider – (especially if she’s a simmerer) as some women can indulge in an hour or more of such play before even thinking about orgasm. Why scoff down the main course, when you can pace yourself before dessert? Remember for a lot of women, extending the pleasure can be greater than any orgasm at all.
- Finally, focus on her needs and desires and invite her to really participate in the process. Women are hardwired for delicious sex and eroticism – sometimes it’s just the right combination of time, relaxation and technique that will provide the ultimate recipe to deep, succulent surrender and satisfaction.
When sex makes headlines, it’s usually for all the ‘wrong’ reasons. Do a Google News search (see images below) for sex and you will see endless examples of sex gone bad; shame making articles, heinous violations, articles espousing bigger-better-faster-stronger, or a celebrity sex tape that begins to circulate and the accompanying moral outcry is proof of society’s demise. Rarely, if ever, is the complex nature of sexuality discussed, nor is it encouraged. Black and white assertions are made to serve as click bait- not as education. The trouble with this is while such fear and danger based stories dominate our public discussions about sex, we have little incentive nor examples to reimagine what healthy eroticism can look like. While such a delicate area of the human condition remains so heavily legislated and socially manipulated, it’s no wonder so many of us feel powerless and afraid to stand our ground to make meaningful sexuality a part of daily conversations. But by learning to engage with sex from a place within that extends beyond knee-jerk responses to social conditioning, we have the opportunity to create something genuinely meaningful and empowering – on our own terms.
Atrocious sexual violations need to be discussed in public and at length. These are cultural issues that intersect deeply with the core of my work. Much of the work that I do is repairing the damage caused not only by sexual violations, but also the way sex is dealt with culturally. The aforementioned Google search highlights how mainstream media focuses almost exclusively on negative depictions of sex that perpetuate fear, shame and stigma. What I would like to see in addition to these narratives (not instead of), are more examples that celebrate and empower people whose relationships with sexuality inform their identity, their wellbeing and their relationships. It’s rare for us to read stories of genuine sexual freedom and empowerment. It’s even rarer to read about sex that leads to greater understanding of the nature of sexuality. In the same way we celebrate fitness and cooking on TV – why don’t we also celebrate sex? What is it about sex that means it remains a vital component of wellbeing that must be silenced, shamed or less valuable than any of our other ‘achievements’?
Too often the moral and politically correct panic about sex derails important conversations about what sex can actually mean for us. The ways that sex can fulfil us as part of overall self-acceptance and give us the confidence to be more present in the world, to overcome our fears and to affect change in more areas than just the bedroom. The truth is, sex is fundamental to our wellbeing. Sure, we can ignore it and many of us do (just like fitness and cooking), but from my own experience and my work as a sexuality coach and therapist, I see day-in and day-out the overwhelmingly positive impact that engaging with sexuality thoughtfully and respectfully has on our self esteem, relationships and productivity in life.
Prior to my discovery of the wonders of body-based sex education and erotic expression, I struggled with sex too. To many it would have looked more like issues of self esteem or shame management, with a focus around my value and sexuality. Call it what you will, but I felt disconnected from my body, deeply flawed, unattractive, frumpy, awkward and undesirable. I lived almost exclusively ‘in my head’ and was at the mercy of my powerful emotions. I had every reason to be like this. Women of my shape and colouring were not celebrated as ‘sexy’ (read: valuable) nor even ‘sexual’ in the community at large nor in the media. Everything around me was telling me I was NOT worthy of a relationship, even with myself, based on the idea that embodying more of who I was, was fundamentally at odds with what was expected of me. I even had friends tell me if I just ‘settled’ and learnt to compromise, I would eventually be as ‘happy’ as them!
The thing was, I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I needed. Yes I wanted to be happy, but I also knew I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t want to water myself down to fit a cultural stereotype that said, as a woman, I could embrace certain aspects of my power, but not all of it. The trouble was, I lived in a culture that kept telling me that expressing my sexuality was not OK. On both the left and right sides of the sociopolitical spectrum was and still is the belief that sexuality for women is essentially dangerous at worst, or indulgent at best. Pleasure for its own sake was not a good enough reason. And that my desire for more meant I was either a victim of patriarchy and oppression or selfish. The possibility that I sat outside of this either / or perspective on sex, meant my personal freedom was classified as trivial.
Now, in hindsight, they were pretty powerful reasons to stay in my box. Such limited narratives and alarmist responses can be enough to destroy even the strongest spirit, but the call I felt within me to leap from fear and restriction became too great. I sensed I had no choice but to push on through. It was almost as if sexuality chose me. On some level I think it did. And what I chose was to learn how to engage with sex differently. I learned to engage with sexuality in ways that were totally outside the square and contrasted with limiting assumptions about what women did, said and wanted from life. Sex for me was no longer about toeing the line. It was about being real and raw and being seen, even if at times it made me unpopular with those who thought they knew better . It was bold and scary but has yielded the richest rewards of my lifetime. And I wouldn’t change a thing!
The Inner Conflict Around Sexual Expression
The struggle for sexual acceptance is not only felt by women. Anyone who has experienced some kind of internal conflict around their sexual desires or lack of, versus the collective moral compass, has had a taste of what I am describing. The very same system that shames women for enjoying sex in any way at all, ( although coquettish submission is usually ok), reduces men to neanderthal – like thugs with absolutely no self control and an inability to distinguish between their very own body parts. Add to this mix misinformation and stigma around unconventional gender expression, non-intercourse based sexual relations, or interest in kinky sex practices, and you have a society that sees ‘acceptable’ sexuality as about as interesting and alluring as boiled cabbage.
Even though the manifestations of sexual shame are different depending upon your gender, identity or preferred sexual sub-culture, what is consistent is the sense of unworthiness and trivialisation surrounding sex and pleasure. That wanting to experience meaningful sexuality is somehow perverted or deranged. None of us are immune to the Google News eye of scrutiny and social judgement.
Change The Conversation from Fear to Freedom
Sex is such a vital part of our existence. It’s the source of so much that is good in our lives. Along with food and shelter, Maslow declared it a fundamental human need! But unlike all of Maslow’s other needs, sex for many women is way down on the list, and for a lot of men is something they would like to connect with but genuinely have no idea how. The trans and gender diverse communities are currently defining and redefining what sex even is and how it extends beyond genitals and sex acts. No one is exempt from the challenge of finding the best fit for sex in our lives.
Making time to prioritise sex does not involve having to have a partner, having the perfect body or endless Tantra classes (although a bit of the latter will most definitely help IMHO). Prioritising sex doesn’t even have to involve another person. By just acknowledging within ourselves that sex is something we would like to know more about, we are on the way to making the fundamental changes that hold us back from being the abundant and erotically confident people we fantasise about being. By acknowledging this within ourselves we are also more able to understand and accept this in other people. The thing is, the process of self discovery in sexuality needn’t be a scary one. It’s exciting, inspiring and so worthwhile, leading you back to your own potent source. It’s like you’re finally coming home!
If you are one of the millions on the planet who feel that something is missing- you’re probably right. It is missing. I urge you to look within and heed the call. Any investment you make into erotic self-inquiry can only ever lead you closer to the freedom and peace of mind you crave ( not to mention more fulfilling sex). And I‘ll meet you there, in the heart of pleasure town. (I’ll be the one with a margarita in one hand and a vibrator in the other!) First round is on me!
Images from Google News search for Sex Dec 2nd. 2014
Absence of orgasm doesn’t need to be called ‘dysfunction’. The language we use to shame people around sexuality must stop! What’s dysfunctional is our inability to understand the requirements of sex that bring meaning to all of us, not just those who fit a medical definition (made up by clinicians, not sensual pioneers.) – Cyndi Darnell
One of the most frequently asked questions I get from women who come to see me for counselling (a.k.a sex therapy) is about their ability to orgasm.
Orgasm, it seems, is the main outcome or goal so many of us focus on when discussing sex. Linguistically and culturally it’s THE thing we (all of us, not just women) use to determine whether or not sex has been not only satisfactory, but more accurately, worthy of our efforts.
For most of us, we never stop to even consider what good sex is, means, or even feels like. Especially if we’ve never had it. As a result we have little to no frame of reference, so understandably we latch onto a framework provided to us, by – of all people – clinicians in lab coats to decide what ‘good sex’ looks like. In the history of human consciousness, what was once in the realm of mighty cosmic superpowers like Eros, Aphrodite and Pan, has now been superseded by the high priests of the universities whose life blood is determined by the likes of pharmaceutical companies, whose primary function is to tell you whether on not your sex life is normal and worthy. The trouble is that neither entity, divine or clinical is either capable of, nor responsible for, knowing something so fundamentally idiosyncratic as the nature of your own orgasm.
When we conjure up images of clinicians, few (although some), may find this especially sexy. So unless you have an erotic bent toward clinical sex and its associations as a means of direct arousal, using a scale of satisfaction created by people who have no idea what you like, and whose economic well-being is determined by corporate interests, seems utterly ludicrous to me. Some would argue it’s a better model than that of our ancestors, but that is neither my point. My point is that whether you’re praying to Eros or Viagra, your focus isn’t on the place where you will find the information you’re looking for; the very machinations of what motivates your decision to have sex in the first place. When you know why you’re doing something, you’re in a much better position to be able to enjoy it (and maybe have an orgasm).
What is Good Sex?
Take a moment to allow yourself to think about GOOD SEX… Go on… really think about it…
Notice these things:
What part of you is most responsive to the thought of good sex?
STOP – take notice
What part of you comes alive when you think of good sex?
STOP – take notice
How about when I change my language and invite you to feel good sex? What happens then?
STOP – take notice
My guess is that at the very least you will need to slow down, and allow yourself to get out of thinking and into more feeling, something that neither Eros nor Viagra alone will be able to do for you.
Now, there certainly are techniques, tips and tricks I can share with you to help you get on your way to super-duper orgasm land, absolutely.
Motivation + awareness + technique = orgasm.
But what happens if you do EVERYTHING I say and you still don’t have an orgasm? Does that mean you are abnormal and unworthy? Does it mean you are defective? Or does that mean you don’t fit into The Big Cheese model of female sexuality, just like most women on the planet? According to a model of ‘sexual dysfunction’, then yes! But according to the dance of sexuality, your body is doing just fine.
Indeed there are endless blogs, articles and videos online these days dedicated to how to have bigger, longer, stronger, faster more explosive orgasms. But let’s stop and consider this; if many or any of them held absolute bona fide secrets that applied to all women all of the time – wouldn’t we then all be focussed on those very things that all women (allegedly) crave in order to achieve the greatest orgasm of all?
So what are they?
Because unlike in clinical manuals or new-age blogs describing (often noteworthy) sexual function, these erotic secrets don’t exist in isolation from the rest of your life.
The truth is, that just because we are women (whatever that even means), it does not mean we are all hardwired the same way for pleasure, sex and orgasm. Nor does it mean what we like in our twenties, we’re going to like in our 30s, 40s and beyond. Our genitals may look and operate similarly, but genitals alone do not good sex make. What distinguishes so-so sex from utterly mind blowing sex is exactly that; our capacity to distinguish, to truly be with the experience of our bodies, allowing our minds to be blown and not distracted by trying to do something that a text book or magazine article tells us we ought.
If you are a woman who struggles with orgasm, let me ask you this:
Why do YOU want to have an orgasm?
Just take a moment to think about that answer. Do not read any more until you have that answer.
One thing I do know for sure is that when I ask women who don’t have orgasms why they want to, they very, very rarely if ever say it’s because they want pleasure. This may come as a surprise to many of you. Remember, I am in the very privileged position of hearing people’s deepest, most intimate erotic secrets day in and day out. For many women, genuine pleasure is rarely even on their radar. More than anything, their reasons are because they want to feel normal or because they feel they are missing out, or because everyone else is having them (apparently), or their partner expects it of them – all of which are answers motivated by fear and shame rather than pleasure.
So if pleasure is not the motivation (which is actually perfectly OK), why then would you torture yourself with the pressure of achieving something exclusively associated with pleasure, when YOUR personal motivation is fear or shame or something more nebulous? It’s like eating gravel in order to satisfy hunger but wondering why you’re perpetually dissatisfied? After all, it’s heavy, mineral-rich and fills you up; on paper it should work, but it’s just not what your body wants.
Busting Through The Bullshit
As far as I am concerned, it’s not women’s fault that such a cycle of thinking tends to dominate the minds of Western women. It a combination of a lack of understanding of, and respect for, the diversity of sex – not just by regular folks, but also those who decide what’s normal and abnormal. Shame and fear are very powerful motivators that keeps us in our place (and dependent upon clinicians for answers) but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Sad but true, the concept of sexual dysfunctions has been largely created in labs and universities and perpetuated by media across the world; not in bedrooms, beaches, hotel rooms or parks where much more sex generally occurs! Even the mere concept of function vs dysfunction implies a standard of performance rather than the very urges that drive sex in the first place, including pleasure, shame, guilt, fear, money, obligation, boredom and revenge. Unless you are a sex professional where you are paid to perform sex , why on Earth would we use a scale based solely in performance to measure satisfaction, when in actual fact it is satisfaction we seek? Our scales and our objectives are deeply misaligned.
When you’re motivated by anything other than pleasure (which is OK, remember?) and wondering why you’re struggling with orgasm, you may have found your answer right there. No pills or lab coats required. And this my readers, is where we are rather complex and nuanced creatures. Regardless of our gender, we are not necessarily all the same, but all of value regardless of difference. It’s fundamentally important that you understand your own motivations around sex in order to get the most out of it. When we learn to better understand ourselves through recognising our needs and emotions and how they motivate us, we’re in a better position to get and maintain the kind of sex we want, which may or may not involve abundant orgasms.
While we keep racing madly looking for a cure to the ‘sex problems’ women have, we are missing the answer that is so obviously in front of us.
 Meston. Cindy. Why Women Have Sex. St Martin’s Press. 2009. New York.
Cyndi talks with Jenna Price from Daily Life about ways to tackle the orgasm gap found to be affecting Australian women. Click the Daily Life logo image or here to be taken directly to the story.
Cyndi Darnell – 6ix Perth_with John Burgess (21-08-14) Cyndi talks to John ”Burgo” Burgess on 6ix in Perth about things we can do to help kids feel more comfortable about sex and pleasure. Recorded 21st August 2014.
I am seeking your stories for my book.
How do YOU manage to work towards maintaining a sex positive life in a sex negative culture? What kinds of things do you do to help you on the days you feel the struggle harder than others. How do YOU manage the feelings / thoughts and difficulties that arise in living a sexually whole life?
I am asking you to send me BRIEF emails- brief being less than 150 words.
Please include (if you want):
*your nom de plume
*preferred gender ID
*any other relevant info
By doing so you are allowing me to read this info and for it to be ”potentially” included in my book under your pen name ( not your actual name)
please email firstname.lastname@example.org
The book is about the struggles we face with sex and sexuality and what’s really at the heart of them. Sometimes its not quite what we are lead to believe it is- and I am constructing a book that explains and explores ways of living with and embracing your sexuality- what ever that may look like for you. The book will cover the relationships between the body, mind and emotions of contemporary sex positive theory, practice and personal development.