I dont like sex. What’s wrong with me?

Mar 192013
 

Hi,

I don’t like sex. I would like to want to have to have sex but as soon as I start I can’t think about anything else but stopping. I am not in a relationship but have dated a few guys in the last year. Friends just say I haven’t met the right guy but if I think of my history there was only ever one guy I enjoyed sex with. A guy has never made me orgasim and I can only make myself using a vibrator (which I do enjoy). I feel confused and lonely by this because society is so sexually focused. What should I do?

Mish

 

Dear Mish,

This is a very intricate situation you are in here, and interestingly you are not alone.

Sex for you appears to be fraught with conflicting feelings. You don’t like it, but you’d like to like it, You can’t come with others, but you can come( and enjoy it) by yourself. You’ve only ever enjoyed sex with one partner and your friends are telling you ‘’you haven’t met the right guy yet’’. Yes, you’re right. Society is OBSESSED with sex, and often mediocre sex at that. It is lonely and it is confusing.

The social obsession with sex is reflective of the levels of cultural repression and disdain there is for sex and sexuality across the board. I have often wondered if we in Australia invested as much time, money and energy into exploring and teaching sexuality as we did on say sport, how different the cultural landscape of Australia would be?

 In many parts of Australia, UK and the USA, sex is still very much a taboo topic, while  among more progressive thinkers sex  can be referred to as ‘’just sex, it’s no big deal’’! My position is that a multi-million dollar online sex industry tells me It IS a big deal! It’s a REALLY big deal, it’s just been funnelled into very compartmentalised ways of accessing it; all hidden and all tainted with shame. People are FASCINATED by sex but have few avenues to get information! Whether you sit at either end of the sex / taboo binary or somewhere in the middle, sex is rarely seen for beauty that it is, the source of connection to the Self and an unlimited tool for pleasure.

While there is so much pressure for people to be partnered or at other extremes totally open, we leave ourselves few models for understanding the texture of sex and relationships. Developing a sense of connection to your erotic self can be a pathway to self discovery and connection, but when that pathway bears the distraction of cultural conventions, what could be a pursuit of pleasure for its own sake, becomes a source of anxiety and shame. Without a relationship to one’s own sexuality, it can be quite a difficult ( but not impossible ) path to greater erotic intelligence.

There is a small percentage of the global population who report no or very little interest in (partnered) sex. The current statistics suggest around 1% of the population feel that the descriptors of asexuality are applicable to them. Without a thorough consultation it is hard to know if this is a label you feel applies to you, but you are not alone in feeling disconnected from sex or the desire to do it.

  • There are a few factors here though that can help you work through this.

Firstly, ask yourself why you have sex? This seems an unusual question to many, but it can often be one of the greatest indicators into a conversation with ourselves about sex. Examining our motives for exploring sex can really help us better understand our needs.

Secondly, consider the people who are in your life (friends and lovers). How would you describe the connections you have with them? Having dated a few guys in the last year and not liked them doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you, nor them. It could well be a reflection of a culture that does not give itself the permission to allow pleasure to be at its core. How on Earth are we expected to know what great sex can be when we live in a society that doesn’t prioritise it?

Thirdly, you can consider how YOU prioritise sex and give yourself permission to think outside the square when it comes to exploring your eroticism. Read widely and attend workshops and seminars on different topics about sex and sexuality or find a sex coach to work with you for a more personalised approach.

 

Good Luck

Cyndi

 March 19, 2013  anxiety, feelings / emotions, intimacy, My Blog, pleasure, practice, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex, sex education, shame, wellbeing Comments Off

How do I talk to my kid about porn?

Jan 142013
 

Dear Cyndi

I recently found out my 12 year old son has watched porn and I don’t know what to do about it. I know I can’t stop him but I just don’t know what to say or where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

John

 Dear John,

In this contemporary climate, the instances of young people seeing porn are frequent. Porn in and of itself is not inherently a problem, (one’s own moral compass may deem this to be otherwise)  but rather it’s our relationship and responses to porn consumption that can cause damage and affect both parents and children.

Porn is intended to be an adult medium. It is made for adults, by adults, and ideally not to be viewed by minors. However, with more and more youngsters accessing online porn  (and for the purposes of this discussion, mainstream porn) the ”head in the sand” attitude can no longer be applied. Their curiousity suggests that they are becoming aware of sexuality and this presents a wonderful opportunity to be able to discuss not only the birds and the bees, but also human relationships. The onus is on the parents and care-takers to help young people process what they’re seeing, rather than relegating it to the ”too hard” basket. Banning porn or banning porn discussions can only exacerbate the problem. We know from history that prohibition doesn’t work and only drives desires and curiosity underground. So what to do if your child is watching porn?

  1. Start by asking them how they felt about what they saw. Learning to process feelings is a life skill and they are never too young to learn to process emotions. Processing emotions involves a few key steps:
  • Name what you’re feeling. Being able to name an emotion makes it more manageable and less intimidating. Some common emotions might be, confused, excited, scared, disgusted, intimidated, intrigued or weird. If it’s too difficult to name an emotion, try identifying a sensation: butterflies, tingling, hot, nervous, maybe even aroused. Sometimes sensation is the body’s way of communicating a feeling that language has no name for.
  • At times feelings are unpleasant or uncomfortable. That’s ok. When we panic in response to discomfort, that is when problems / miscommunications can arise. Focus on staying calm and acknowledge the emotion, allowing it to be present, no matter how awkward. Bear in mind that emotions always pass.  Always.

2. Monitor your own response: Kids (like adults) respond to a variety of communicative cues, so while language is important,  tone conveys emotion, especially  judgement and anxiety. If you have reservations and judgements about your child’s behaviour, they’re going to be sensitive to that and notice any panic and judgement in your voice. No one likes to be judged or be the source of someone’s anxiety, kids are no different. Be mindful of your state of mind before you talk to them as it could do more harm than good if you have not processed your OWN emotions around porn. (see step 1)

3. Encourage a dialogue and not a monologue. By being part of the conversation, people (including kids) feel more included in what’s going on. Guidance is the key, not judging! You’ll get a much better response when your child feels included and valued.

4. Depending upon the direction your conversation takes or the maturity level of your child, you might want to explore a variety of topics of dialogue including:

  • the ‘action movie’ nature of some porn (i.e some porn stars are stunt people, professionals in their craft and not everyone can do or wants to do what they do; just like in action movies).
  •  what is omitted from  a lot of porn (unlike real life) such as the negotiation, the consent and the relationship between the performers.
  • a lot of mainstream porn portrays very stereotypical gender roles which do not always fit across the board. Not all men want to be givers / doers / active and not all women want to be receivers / recipients / receptive.
  • lots of different body types and colours are beautiful / sexy  / attractive
  •  a lot of mainstream porn does not always acknowledge / show women’s pleasure.
  • Porn is fun, but it’s not a substitute for sex with another person whose company you enjoy.

Young people stumbling across and watching occasional porn is a normal part of exploring a burgeoning sexual curiosity. Despite the ease of access these days, kids have been finding Dad’s Playboy stash in the garage for years! While the nature of what the kids are seeing has changed ( and certainly requires processing for minds that are not ready to comprehend it yet)  their curiousity has not. Your child is not damaged or set on a path of destruction if you find them showing a little interest in porn. By modelling a healthy relationship with sex and sexuality at home and allowing honest and respectful discussions about what they saw and how they felt, your child will feel more inclined to discuss their feelings with you. You’ll be in a much better position to keep tabs on what they’re up to if they trust you with the truth. 

 

 January 14, 2013  anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, kids, men, parents, pleasure, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex education, teachers, teens, wellbeing, women Comments Off

Can I get a sexually transmitted infection? I’m married!

Sep 272012
 

Dear Cyndi

I view the use of condoms as a necessary evil, but I have been wondering recently whether the fear I have of contracting an STI is far higher than the actual risk. All the statistics that I can access relate to specific high risk segments of the population, and I view myself in about as low a risk category as I can imagine: middle aged, middle class, long term married, straight, non-drug user, Caucasian. When my wife and I play with others in the same category, is our insistence on the use of condoms actually ridiculous ?

Keith

 

Dear Keith,

 This is indeed an excellent question, and one which does truly deserve a lengthy answer. The short answer re: using condoms with non fluid bonded ( i.e non-monogamous / tested / 100% aware of health status) type partners is YES YOU SHOULD!

Why? Here we go.

While you and your wife are aware of your STI status ( i.e I assume you have STI tests every few months or so depending upon  the frequency with which you have multiple partners, as this is the ONLY way to be sure of your status) your play partners may not. Do you discuss this with them? Are they willing to discuss their sexual health with you?  If not, why not?  is my next question. Being middle class etc does not make you immune. If anything , certain infections ( HPV (warts) & Chlamydia) are rife among the over 40s heterosexuals as after years of marriage or monogamy, many are out on the dating scene again and have forgotten  (or never learned) the safer sex info they (should have) got as teens. Being middle aged does not give you a ring of protection!

I see that you and your wife are insistent on condoms and that is great! The truth is, it will only take one interlude ( from one of the group) with one infected person (outside the group) to spread an infection to the entire posse, including yourself and your partner. Conditions such as HPV and Chlamydia are EXTREMELY common and can cause serious complications (including death) especially for women if left untreated and / or undiagnosed. The big trouble with conditions such as these is they often have no or few symptoms and are highly contagious. No amount of wishing or trusting will make them go away!

The good news is that these conditions ARE also very treatable, but require medical intervention and pharmaceuticals, which really can be avoided by taking precautions such as using condoms.

Ideally, if your posse are an honest and tight knit bunch, you can continue to play together in the way you are accustomed, provided you all have regular STI tests. We have excellent sexual health resource teams in major cities across the country. There is absolutely no excuse in this day and age for being blasé about sexual health. Its laziness and just unacceptable!

More info on STIs can be found here

Enjoy and play safe!

Cyndi

 September 27, 2012  adult, communication, genitals, health, multiple partners, over 40s, pleasure, Q & A Forum, sex education, shame, teachers, wellbeing Comments Off

Sex Just Feels Too Difficult!

Aug 272012
 

Sex Just Feels Too Difficult!

I have chronic pain and a host of other medical issues that have meant I’m now on disability,  possibly permanently. The medication for it leaves me chronically exhausted but I still crave sex. I  haven’t been active for 12 years, and I’ve had a few offers from women overseas, but even if I could go over there and not end up  with my pension cut, I worry about my lack of performance. I might not be able to have an erection, let alone orgasm. While overseas offers have the advantage of being hypothetical, the fact is my life would be better with someone in it, and I miss sexual  interaction. What can I do to compensate for having a disabled body? Would a woman tolerate that sort of limitation?

Women seem very demanding sexually now, and to an extent I have to admit to finding it all too difficult and wishing I could just have a sexbot! I was reading the other day that on average it took 20 minutes of stimulation for a woman to orgasm, and more with  aging , and I just felt like it was all a bit pointless.

 Should I just give up?

Dave

Dear Dave,

Your situation sounds extremely frustrating on a variety of levels. From your letter it sounds very much like you’re not only craving sex, you’re also craving intimacy and connection; a partnership.

It seems you’re not meeting women locally, or especially the kind of women you might like to meet. You are not alone there. There are many people, abled, and not, of all genders who struggle to find companions for life, sex and intimacy. Our culture is very ‘couple’ oriented, and this can leave those of us ‘un-partnered’ feeling somehow, out of sorts. The truth is, finding a life partner and creating and sustaining a long term relationship requires more than just having an abled body, it’s also about being willing to be vulnerable, compromise, communicate and take initiative when required.

I cannot speak for all women when you ask “Would a woman tolerate that sort of limitation?”, but my hunch is you’re after a woman who will do more than just tolerate you? A partner who is attracted to the other things you offer would certainly be capable of a whole lot more than just ‘tolerating’ you, provided your connection and communication in other areas was fulfilling for the both of you also.

This leads me to encourage you to focus on what you do have to offer rather than just on your short comings. Your fears about performance anxiety, while relevant, are extremely common among both abled and disabled bodies alike. Not everyone is a sex machine all the time! Everyone has days of feeling concerned about their performance, but when this prevents you from actually being able to connect with another person, I would encourage you to seek out the services of a counsellor (either myself; face-to-face, via Skype, or someone in your area) to talk through your anxiety issues and your expectations of yourself and women in relationships.

You admit that you do find it all too difficult and would prefer to have a sexbot. Your sexbot idea is in fact also a solution (and a valid one at that), but I wonder how satisfying that will be for you given your desire for a relationship and a connection. Whether it takes a woman 20 minutes to orgasm or whether at all, ideally would have little bearing on your motivations for sex if you are in fact looking for a genuine connection. There are a huge variety of fabulous sex toys etc on the market these days to enhance women’s pleasure, and assist in times of  ”sex fatigue”. I wonder if your ‘pointless’ feeling is more psychological / emotional than physical?

You may also like to consider some of the services offered by the good people at Touching Base to have face-to-face conversations about your concerns regarding your sexuality and your chronic pain management / disabilty.

Cyndi

 August 27, 2012  anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, health, intimacy, men, My Blog, pleasure, Q & A Forum, relationships, sex, sex education, wellbeing Comments Off

Overcoming online dating fears

Aug 032012
 

Overcoming Online Dating Fears

Dear Cyndi,

I love flirting on online dating sites but as soon as it comes to meeting up with people I freak out and stop contact.  I’m terrified of meeting people in person. Do you have any tips for how I can overcome this?

Greg.  Northcote

Dear Greg,

What you’re describing is a common phenomenon in this age of internet dating. As we know it’s easy to create a fabulous persona behind a computer screen where we can create a fantasy of the kind of person we would like to be. This of course fills a great void for many people, but the problem lies in becoming attached to the idea of being someone’s fantasy figure, or beyond that, your own fantasy figure. All of this is profoundly unfulfilling for everyone concerned in a long –term capacity.

First of all, ask yourself what you are terrified of. If you are afraid of being rejected or of them not liking you, that is a very real possibility that everyone has to face from time to time. You are not alone there. You might not like them either! Not everyone likes everyone else.  Chalk that one up to acceptance.  If you are afraid of the fantasy ending………………………then don’t meet them! But accept that you’re really denying yourself a terrific opportunity for fun and companionship. (Do the honourable thing and let them know you have no desire to meet. It’s never OK to hurt someone else’s feelings because you’re too consumed with your own.)

Next, don’t let the online interactions go on too long before meeting. It’s very easy to get caught up in the fantasy of who you’re talking to, and start creating an image in your head of who this person might be as opposed to who they are. This can lead to you feeling overly intimidated which can be disappointing when you do finally meet.

Also, be realistic. Online dating is really hit and miss. Some people will be genuinely looking for love / sex / companionship, and others will be just playing around. Some will be truly great people and others will be mediocre or at worst, liars. The supermodel / entrepreneur / enigmatic artist at the other end of the chat room might not be as fabulous as they appear to be online!

Finally remember that blind dates are notoriously nerve wracking, and for some its part of the fun. Your date will most likely be feeling nervous too. Give yourself permission to be nervous, and state it! “I’m feeling a little nervous right now” is enough. This statement of fact can diffuse the nerves more than trying to fight them, and allows your date the permission to do the same! This is a much better way to start a date than under false pretences or getting too drunk  just to hide the nerves.

Letting fear hold you back denies you the opportunity to develop these skills and meet some wonderful people who you may never otherwise meet. Take a few deep breaths and enjoy the ride.

 August 3, 2012  anxiety, communication, feelings / emotions, intimacy, My Blog, online dating, Q & A Forum, relationships, shame Comments Off

Rough Sex Anyone?

Jul 052012
 

 Rough sex, anyone?

My current lover and I have been having quite rough sex. Hair pulling,  choking and slapping, etc. I am really enjoying it in the moment but afterwards feel a bit strange about it. He is very loving and respectful generally, but I worry I am betraying my feminist principles by allowing / enjoying these activities. What do you think?

Ivy. Collingwood

Dear Ivy,

Rough sex gets a bad rap sometimes, and often for the wrong reason. Sometimes people assume that rough sex means that one partner is being coerced, and the other partner is being unnecessarily aggressive, or aggressive as a form of genuine punishment, hatred or anger. While this can and does happen in situations where consent is not established, the difference here Ivy, is you are consenting and enjoying it. This is an extremely important distinction.

Pleasure and eroticism come in many forms. Sadly, because human sexuality is not discussed frequently enough or widely enough in a public context, it is often hard to know what other people enjoy and how many people enjoy it. We are often forced to keep our sexuality to ourselves for fear of being shamed or ridiculed for it.

The current surge and interest in rough sex play and kink can be measured by the popularity of books such as 50 Shades of Grey. Regardless of what one thinks of it from a literary perspective, people all over the world are now talking about alternative sex practices more than ever, and in more public ways. To my mind, this is a VERY good thing. Books like this give permission for people to experience alternative forms of sexuality and arousal, and decide for themselves whether or not THEY would like to try them and then whether  or not they like them.

While some aspects of rough and kinky sex do carry a degree of danger, the acts you’re describing (aside from the choking) are essentially harmless, as long as you pay attention to your limits and honour them. The dangers with choking are very real and very high, and even the most experienced kink practitioners warn strongly against it. Learn and understand your limits with spanking and hair pulling, communicate them, and stop immediately if it ceases to be fun! its always a good idea to have an agreement with your lover about what your ”stop” word( also known as a safe word) is, so he knows when he hears this word, it really means STOP IMMEDIATELY, and is NOT part of the game. Choose in advance an incongruent word that you both identify as being the STOP word. eg. car keys ( or some other random and un-sex related word).

While feminist principles are a valuable part of being a contemporary woman, so too is your relationship with your sexuality. As a person of any gender, allowing yourself to freely express and enjoy your eroticism is a healthy and fundamental part of being an adult. Depending upon how you perceive your feminist principles in light of sexual pleasure , you may find that the two can very comfortably go hand in hand, because as women, we have fought (and continue the fight) to be allowed to decide what we do with our own bodies, who we share them with and how. Give yourself permission to be all of who you are, sexual, sensual, kinky AND feminist. They do not need to be in conflict with each other.

 Listen to your body, notice its responses. This is where you will find the greatest liberation.

 July 5, 2012  adult, communication, kink, kink / rough sex, pleasure, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex, sex education, shame, women Comments Off

Painful anal sex

Jun 282012
 

 Painful Anal Sex

I’ve been seeing a really hot guy for a few months now and we’ve totally dived straight into a relationship. I know that we both want it to be a long term thing and I really feel that it will be.  We have really great hot sex and are totally compatible. We’re both versatile and he seems to like taking turns at either role as much as I do. The only problem is when he fucks me it often ends up really hurting and I can’t help reacting – which just kills things. Everything is usually fine until just before he comes, when he pushes too deep and hard, which hurts too much and I can’t hide that it does. We’ve talked about it and he’s promised to be more careful, but it still keeps happening. He says he gets carried away and caught up in the moment of wanting to come, and that’s when he thrusts really hard. While I totally understand that he can get carried away during sex, the fact it always ends up hurting means I really don’t like being fucked by him. And its made worse because even when its not hurting I get tense because I keep anticipating the moment when it will. Lately I find that I’ve been trying to avoid letting him fuck me but I know that this can’t last. I really want it to work with this guy, so I’d really appreciate any advice you can give.

Gavin. Melbourne

Dear Gavin,

Your dilemma does sound troubling and not uncommon for people of all genders who are engaging in anal sex. Firstly, it sounds like you have a great relationship with him and this is a fantastic aspect to working with a situation like this. Painful sex is usually caused by the same few things

  1. Not being warmed up enough
  2. Not enough lube
  3. Being tense

You mentioned that even though you have discussed it with him, he gets carried away and forgets your feelings. This would be fine if it didn’t bother you, but it does! First and foremost, you have to explain to him ( again) that this kind of sex is unpleasant and is actually painful  for you. As you say, it’s fine until up to the end where it starts to hurt. Explore other ways of helping him cum, as intercourse is not the only form of sex available. You can extend the pleasure if he  pulls out and you extend his arousal using your hand or mouth (a safer sex warning here; anal to mouth can have bacterial consequenses for you, so be conscious of the risks involved from ingesting fecal matter. Also if you’re not fluid bonded ( ie; have regular STI tests and know each other’s status) condoms and hand relief are advised).

If you feel the need to work on your capacity as an anal receiver, I suggest you practice slowly. Make sure you’re using enough (LOTS) of lube. There are a lot of great lubes around  made especially for anal sex, they are thicker and more viscose than regular lubes. Avoid tensing up by breathing deep into your abdomen and bearing down with the anal muscles. This helps relax the whole area. Alternatively experiment with different positions, as some positions are more painful than others depending upon your internal anatomy. Try lying flat on your stomach, on your back or on your side!

Also never assume that great sex is always just about intercourse, or always about cumming. Rule of thumb though;  if any sex hurts too much and in a way that you dont like STOP! It’s your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Never EVER use numbing agents. They stop you from feeling, and that is the LAST thing to do when you’re having sex! Serious damage can occur when you cant feel anything.

Respect your body and it will respect you back.

With Pleasure

Cyndi

 

 June 28, 2012  adult, anal sex, communication, health, men, My Blog, pleasure, practice, Q & A Forum, rough sex, sex Comments Off

Vulnerability, the last taboo?

May 302012
 

In fragile times, it’s often our most intimate and close relationships that suffer. Intimacy is the glue, the enhancer that gives us the drive to connect, and in many situations, also the factor that can be a passion killer for some and the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I have been reflecting a lot recently on what it means to be intimate with someone, what vulnerability is and how honesty plays a role in all of this. This of course in turn affects the way we can approach sex, but of course not all of our relationships are sexual or erotic, but that doesn’t have to mean they lack intimacy. Intimacy has many faces which can be misunderstood or worse still, ignored when we only relate to intimacy as something sexual or erotic. Intimacy is the essence, the determining factor that decides how close someone gets to us and what we’re prepared to do or share to maintain it.

Intimacy comes from sharing and bonding. People share and bond in hundreds of ways; from a drink at the pub, to a long, lazy dinner , to a friendship that has been cultivated over years, a cry on a shoulder, a rewarding hug, a sporting win  or a love of the same activities, revealing a truth about yourself that you trust another person to take care of, asking for help , asking for attention or allowing yourself to be seen as you really are, flaws and all, in the hope that you won’t be judged for it.

Whilst most of us have these requirements at different stages in our lives, very few are able to acknowledge this need within ourselves, let alone share it with others. It can often be the core of a nagging internal voice that manifests as only a hum or faint murmur rather than bolt of clarity. It can also be the trigger that releases aggressive outbursts, where words said, are later regretted because it’s easier to cast the uncomfortable sensation / feeling out and onto another, than to claim it as our own. It’s easier to blame others than to take a little agency, and while at times this is effective; what is the long-term cost? When this is the perpetual default setting, there is no recourse. Your default setting is powerlessness.

The rise of anxiety among not only Australians, but Westerners in general as a primary emotional default saddens me, but does not surprise me as we become less and less intimate, less and less able to acknowledge our own feelings and thus less able to share with others or learn how to listen to others without judging, being judged or feeling attacked.

While I generally tend to avoid binaries of any kind as a measure for looking at the world, it seems when it comes to emotions, we have only two options. We either allow them to be there, accept them, in all their discomfort and learn to work with them rather than against them; (thus having control over them or even better still, a relationship with them); or we can ignore them. (The latter in my experience can only last for so long before manifestations of ill health become apparent; excessive anxiety, delusion, sleeplessness, depression and a general corrosion of relationships as a result of any one or all of these things.) Shakespeare grasped the ultimate quandary: To Be or Not To Be, that IS in fact the ultimate question, the question that hundreds of years later we still philosophically ponder, but most of us avoid for the sheer terror of facing our internal truth, our shadow, that which makes us vulnerable.

 So what is this vulnerability that can make even the most mighty a quivering wreck, or the mostfeeble a guilt-ridden avoider, keen to maintain the facade or status quo at any price, even their own well-being?

Vulnerability for many may be the shadow, the hidden that which dare not be revealed, OR it may also be the default, wherein manipulation and carelessness can take centre stage to avoid speaking a truth that is more confronting, potentially freeing but also downright terrifying to the inexperienced.

The vulnerability I am talking about here is the genuine kind, not the ‘’tantrum’’ or ‘’drama’’ kind where the protagonist is actually quite capable of helping themselves, but prefers instead to use manipulation or passive/ aggressive tactics to get their needs met consciously or unconsciously. True vulnerability here is acknowledging what is actually going on in the relationship in question, whether the relationship is with the Self or another. Vulnerability is a resource to actually achieve a mutually beneficial outcome rather than as a tool to wage messy, dirty conflict.

Vulnerability needn’t equate to meekness Being vulnerable is actually one of the most assertive things I for one have ever done. Having the gumption to tell someone I love them, to tell them I miss them to tell them I am angry with them is absolutely fucking terrifying when I don’t know whether or not I will be heard or acknowledged. (This of course requires that such statements are made as declarations rather than ultimatums or any kind of manipulation.) Acknowledgement of another person’s feelings is a vital part of communication and creating intimacy through vulnerability. If / when you acknowledge that you are actually valuable in another person’s life, you are then compelled to be responsible for your own responses and behaviour toward them. Acknowledging responsibility is an act of both vulnerability and power. Pretending it doesn’t matter that someone you’re close to just told you how they feel is not only inharmonious it’s also a form of rejection and an inhibitor to intimacy. They wouldn’t have been close to you in the first place if you didn’t actually care about them.

For example, we can all think of situations where for one reason or another we have wanted, or even needed to be taken care of in some way, shape or form, to be soothed if you like, or just supported and appreciated for a day, a night, a month, a life time. Where a need to be understood was crucial, but where the ability to recognise that need was impossible because the mere thought of allowing such a realisation was too much to bear. It was only with hindsight that we realised what we needed, but were too fearful to acknowledge it; instead judging our own feeling for example as ‘’weak’’ or ‘’inappropriate’’, rather than seeing it for what it is, a basic human desire to be understood and acknowledged. Somehow to admit our humanness is weak, is animalistic, is dangerous. My belief is that not acknowledging our feelings is far, far, far more dangerous. As my dear friend Cath says: What you resist; persists! I can think of few cases where this is not a universal truth. When your strongest motivator is actually also your blind spot, communication can get very very messy.

So where do we go from here? The concept of acceptance has been around for ages, thousands of years in fact. Buddhists cottoned-on to it yonks ago, and have been its greatest advocates ever since. Recently psychologists have decided it’s OK too, even beyond OK; downright effective! Good stuff! So we finally have science and spirit intersecting. (For the atheists who walk among us, substitute the word ‘spirit ‘for ‘feeling’ instead). So, what does this mean for us lay-people? It means two things that I can see so far. One is, we have one of the most powerful tools available to us to give ourselves the leverage to get a bit real with ourselves and stop pissing-about on the edges, and Two, it enables us to understand that being honest with ourselves first, and then with others (whilst being a bit scary at times), is actually a very assertive practice, and at times, a whole lot harder than running in on the defensive, but ultimately more fulfilling and anxiety reducing!

Are you more powerful when you act or re-act? Who is more powerful,  the initiator or the reactor? When it comes to relationships (not just sexual ones, remember?) the most effective work can be achieved when we take action, rather than just re-action. When our default is thoughtful, emotive and inspired rather than an act of defence strategy and one-upping, we are operating from a place of creativity and agency.

 Here’s the thing; a wise teacher once asked me and I will ask you; Do you want to be right? OR Do you want to be close? Depending of your values, you may struggle with choosing between what may seem to be opposing alternatives. Sometimes (but not always) you can’t be both. Sometimes you just have to accept what is there, without judging it. Your answer to that question may actually be a cause of vulnerability for you…………… and so the cycle starts again.

The old adage we teach what we most need to learn rings absolutely true. I have spent years working through issues of accepting and embracing my vulnerability. It’s still a challenge for me, but I’ve been practicing for years and it gets better and easier. Believe me. I spent years feeling nervous, anxious and profoundly deranged trying to keep all the plates spinning, while trying to look cool as a cucumber. Will I ever have it totally mastered? Probably not! But then again, I don’t know that mastering emotions is the kind of goal I am looking to achieve anyway. Emotions by their very nature are erratic and arousing. Some are pleasant, others are not. But emotions in their essence are a necessary part of life, as necessary and water, air, food and sleep, yet these things are not judged as invalid, in the way that emotions often are. Feelings add value, colour and texture to what would otherwise be rather rudimentary and cardboard lives. Why would anyone want to dominate the one thing that gives their life its authenticity, its spark and its vigour. Conversely, being a slave to one’s emotions is also unsavoury and potentially deadly. Common Sense is called commonsense for a reason. It’s everywhere and everyone has access to it………. in theory at least! Learning to allow access to feelings, process them and foster acceptance is where the magic lies. Find the edge, find the distance you’re prepared to get to, wait and see. Don’t judge it, don’t push it. Just wait and see. …………………. What CAN you see? Let me know.

 May 30, 2012  communication, feelings / emotions, health, intimacy, practice, relationships, shame, wellbeing 2 Responses »

Sex Education………..why it DOES matter.

Apr 192012
 

Here is a piece I wrote during my Master’s degree at Uni of Sydney on  why comprehensive and age-appropriate sex education is essential. I was absolutely floored to find out that Sex Ed is not compulsory in all Australian schools, and religious schools can be exempt from teaching it on moral grounds. What startles me is that this information is in direct opposition to the terms set out by the World Health Organisation about what constitutes sex education as a basic human right. I wonder how it is justifiable that sex education could or should be denied to anyone in this day and age? 

Here in the state of Victoria, sex education is compulsory, but not enforced nor are teachers provided with time or incentives for adequate training. Sex Ed in Australian schools is often taught by the teacher that draws the shortest straw, and while an attempt is being made at addressing the topic on a very rudimentary level, an ineffective, poorly-trained,  judgemental or sexually traumatised teacher can potentially create even more problems for students in the long run. This of course is not the teachers’ fault, nor at times even the schools’ , but rather it’s a question of the distribution of resources and the emphasis within both the public and private sector on the importance of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education; who trains the teachers in effective sex ed when there’s barely enough money for basic supplies? In a country as bountiful as Australia, there is absolutely no excuse and this needs to change! 

 

When considering developmental approaches toward comprehensive child / adolescent sex education, a range of factors must be taken into account. Whilst sex education in many nations has traditionally been a contentious issue and riddled with moral judgement, mounting evidence reveals that denying young people access to sex-positive information and ignoring their own learning initiatives does nothing to serve the individuals involved, nor the community at large. Instead, young people should be primed for mature sexual relationships by exploring grassroots sexual health and reproduction information, alongside opportunities to develop social competence, emotional-processing and esteem-building skills. This paper will examine and address a range of sex education frameworks from around the world, and provide a rationale that calls for a holistic, multi-faceted approach to sex education from junior primary to senior high school years. This framework incorporates school-based education teamed with involvement from health and community care professionals and organisations, as well as parents and most importantly, the young people themselves.

According to the W.H.O, sexual health is:

“a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (1)

This definition provides a solid foundation to measure the outcomes of not only good sexual health, but also a functional sex education framework. To support young people’s overall sexual health, graded age-appropriate programs should be implemented, taught and supported in accordance with the values as described by the W.H.O.

According to Massey, (2) sex education begins at birth and continues to be delivered by society, family, peers, experiences and educators throughout life. Hobbie (3) also notes that developing positive attitudes toward sexuality at an early age is essential if children are to grow up feeling good about themselves and in control of their bodies. Yet when young children engage in masturbation and sexual play for pleasure, adults place moral judgment upon this otherwise innocent behaviour.(4) A comparative study of sex education in several developed nations showed that children as young as 5 start asking questions about sex, and within a few years many have already begun to associate talking about sex with shame, fear of being punished or making their parents angry or embarrassed.(5) In contrast, it was noted that Swedish children were an exception and displayed more freedom in their approach to sexual enquiry. (5)This is reflected in a society that had comparatively lower teenage pregnancy and STI rates than most other developed nations across the world, until economic crisis meant cut backs on sex-education in the late 90s and rates of abortion and STIs consequently rose among teens. (6) Although young children’s needs around sexual knowledge differ vastly from those entering puberty, it is evident that children both younger and older need to have open enquiry about sexuality to facilitate their sexual choices and wellbeing.

Bearing this in mind, it is important to consider what some of the fundamental differences were between the way other developed nations approached sex education, and the way it was embraced in Sweden to yield such effective results. The Swedish approach extended beyond school-based programs; embracing sexuality as an essential part of life. Supported by a myriad of community professionals as well as parents, the programs provided a multi-faceted and comprehensive structure that was essentially an extension of Swedish culture. (7) Such a comprehensive sex education program requires not only teachers but parents to be better equipped to deal with children and adolescents’ interests, and be better able to assist when required. (8) Programs must also educate parents and community leaders on how to better assist young people exploring their sexuality. The proven effectiveness of the Swedish sex / health program lends itself toward encouraging Australian health and education developers, as well as parents, to consider Sweden’s holistic treatment of sex education in light of this affirmative data.

In stark contrast, teenage pregnancy and abortion rates are particularly high in certain parts of the USA where in many cases an abstinence-only approach to sex education is used. (9) Visser & van Bilsen note the puritanical approach to sex education in parts of the USA means it is difficult for young people to get access to information and contraception. (9) As a result, young people end up in vulnerable situations with little or no opportunities for recourse, which systematically violates of the principles of healthy human sexuality as outlined by the W.H.O.

A holistic view of sexuality understands that sex does not exist outside of one’s life but is part of one’s life. To better understand the complexity of the lives of young people, the impact of relationships, media, pop culture and the internet and their effect on sexuality cannot be ignored. Broader aspects of successful sex education programs around the world look not only at the fundamentals of basic physical sexual health covering details about STIs, how they’re spread and best methods for effective protection and contraception, but also comprehensive understanding about navigating human relationships (7), as well as the social and emotional aspects of sex.(10) Kirby extends this rationale to include awareness of socio-cultural factors influencing students’ self-esteem and ability to make smart and informed choices. (11) Many Australian secondary schools already employ programs that deal with sexual health and contraception. More are embarking upon education and support programs for students exploring same-sex attraction, whilst new research advocates additional programs that explore the broader social construct of gender and transgender education programs, (12) and recognition of family diversity, (13) all of which complement the W.H.O definition.

Further to this, it is important not to ignore the more confronting needs of young people by sticking only to safe prescribed topics.(2)Recent studies in Sweden revealed that 91% of boys and 57% of girls between the ages of 15-18 have seen pornographic films, and had mixed feelings about both the content and its effect on their sexuality.(14) By working with this trend (resisting moral judgement and seeing it as an opportunity for discussion and learning) rather than against it, (by moralising, similar to an ineffective abstinence-only focus,) programs and educators can widen the scope for educational opportunities to include addressing and processing uncomfortable emotions; both of which help develop communication skills that have significant bearing on healthy sexual function.

 Evidence suggests that it is neither the source of information nor the methodology used to teach that has the greatest impact, but rather a multi-faceted approach to both content and process that yields the best results in terms of adolescents’ life decisions and wellbeing.(8) The effectiveness of sex education programs have consistently shown that a single-pronged approach to sex education is limited and less effective, especially if sex cannot be explored outside of school.(9) Furthermore, sex education programs in the USA have shown successful learning outcomes are achieved when they include a combination of clear messages around health, individual health clinic appointments, community-service learning programs (work experience / field trips) and longer-term life management programs.(15) (Emotional processing and communication skills) 

Sex education is not something that should be endured, but rather something to be explored. The extent to which Australia embraces the values of the W.H.O definition of sexual health will determine the extent to which our young people will receive the best possible education regarding their sexuality. By accepting that healthy sexuality is a basic human right, and not something reserved for only a privileged few, we can confidently utilise proven approaches to work toward developing educational frameworks that are both relevant and effective.

References

1                    World Health Organisation. World Health Organisation International. 2010. http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/gender_rights/sexual_health/en/

 (accessed November 16, 2010)

2          Massey, D.E. School Sex Education:  Knitting without a pattern?  Health Education Journal. Volume 49. No 3, 1990. 134-142

3             Hobbie, C. Sex education for children and adolescents. Journal of Pediatric Health Care. Patient Education Review. ( St Paul Children’s Hospital) Minnesota. (no date provided)

4          Kang, M. Age of Consent laws: Puritan notions of right and wrong. On Line Opinion, 2005.1-3

5          Goldman, R.J , & Goldman, J.D.G. Sources of Sex Information for Australian, English, North American and Swedish Children.  The Journal of Psychology,  1981:  97-108.

6          Edgardh, K. Adolescent sexual health in Sweden. Sexually Transmitted Infections. 78, 2002: 352-356

7          Pettersson, G. Why are you all so interested in sex?  New Statesman, June 2004: 27-28

8              Somers, C.  L. & Gleason, J.H. Does source of sex education predict adolescents’ sexual knowledge, attitudes and behaviours? Education ( Summer) 121 ; 4, 2001: 674-681

9              Visser, P. A. &  van Bilsen, P.  The effectiveness of sex education provided to adolescents. Patient Education and Counselling 23, 1994: 147-160

10           Blakely, V. & Frankland, J. Sex Education for Parents.Health Education, 1996: 9-13.

11           Kirby, D. The impact of schools and school programs upon adolescent sexual behavior. The Journal of Sex Research. 39: 1  February  2002. 27-33

12           Berkowitz, D. & Manohar, N.N. & Tinkler, J.E. Walk Like a Man, Talk Like a Woman.  Sage Journals Online. 03 May 2010. http://tso.sagepub.com.ezproxy1.library.usyd.edu.au/content/38/2/132.full.pdf+html  

(accessed November 16, 2010)

13           Biblarz , T.J. &Evren, S. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered Families.  Journal of Marriage and family. Volume 72. Issue 3, 2010: 480-497

14           Johanssen, T, &Hammaren, N. Hegemonic Masculinity and Pornography: Young people’s attitudes toward and relations toward pornography. Journal of Men’s Studies, Winter, 15:1, 2007: 57-70

15           Kirby, D. Effective approaches to reducing adolescent unprotected sex, pregnancy, and childbearing. The Journal of Sex Research . February 2002. 51-57

 April 19, 2012  adult, health, kids, My Blog, parents, practice, sex, sex education, teachers, teens, wellbeing Comments Off
 Older Entries